Love Not of the Real Child (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 197)

It is one of the turning points in therapy when the patient comes to the emotional insight that all the love she has captured with so much effort and self-denial was not meant for her as she really was, that the admiration for her beauty and achievements was aimed at this beauty and these achievements, and not at the child herself. In therapy, this small and lonely child that is hidden behind her achievements wakes up and asks: “What would have happened if I had appeared before you, sad, needy, angry, furious? Where would your love have been then? And I was all these things as well. Does this mean that it was not really me you loved, but only what I pretended to be? The well-behaved, reliable, empathic, understanding, and convenient child, who in fact was a never a child at all? What became of my childhood? Have I not been cheated out of it? I can never return to it. I can never make up for it. From the beginning I have been a little adult.

The Drama of the Gifted Child: the Search for the True Self

Alice Miller          1994

You Have Awoken Them (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 195)

Pretext Note: For those interested in a more detailed understanding of some of the psychological or behavioral  terms I have used in this piece, I have included a few definitions as a postscript. The definitions are limited in greater scope, but suffice to give the reader a general understanding of these terms.

There are those who have always focused on trying to control others, who come up with every excuse in the book to justify their own personal superior authority or the superior authority of the “cause” they have chosen to champion so that they might impose their rule or ideals justifiably on others. The weaker people who are compelled to do this, but lack the drive and skill necessary, turn to association with a larger group, often lead by a powerful psychopath, which harbors the same demented over-dominating compulsion and intent. The “cause” may be the righteousness of the mighty dollar, patriotism, religion, family values, or company loyalty, to name a few. The demented group might be a business/corporation, a church/religion, a socio-economic association, the military, an aspect of the government, a bonded group of those who have attained a higher education, or even a street gang. The forms of the “cause” and the demented group may vary tremendously in appearance and proclaimed purpose, but the root intent is always the same for those, individually or collectively, who possess this pathologic desire within their psyche. The package matters little and is often only a disguise to their acknowledged consciousness, but the telltale sign is when they implement their agenda and it quickly becomes sacred doctrine which may not be questioned or opposed in any manner whatsoever. They judge and the only unforgivable sin is for others to not comply, to not obey, to not submit to their over-dominance. These “controllers” are apaths, destabilized empaths, and lesser psychopaths, who are damaged and broken in many ways, but especially by their insecurity and personal feelings of ineptitude and worthlessness. This is why they are so susceptible to the manipulative charisma of a psychopath and the thought of being warmly enabled and unquestioned in their delusion as a member of a delusional group. Those standing against all of this, against those who are trying to control others, dare I say everyone, through any of the various forms of infectious destabilization, are empaths. The empaths have finally had enough. They are tired of ignorance, apathy, unawareness, hatred, scapegoating, bullying, imperialism, war, the whip of the mighty dollar, and prejudice. The empaths are now rising up once more. You have awoken them with your insanity, and if you are lucky, they might just save the world again. If you are luckier, they might even save you from yourself and your beloved psychopath.

Cribb          2017

The sociopathic-empathic-apathic-triad (SEAT) is a real psychological dynamic of relevance. This isn’t some obscure mysticism or mumbo-jumbo of fiction. For clarity of those unaware, but interested, I provide the brief definitions below.

Apath – Constituting the largest percentage of humanity, probably somewhere around 60% of the total. Apaths tend to lack awareness and empathy. They may be intelligent or not, but regardless they are always highly prone to following the orders or succumbing to the orchestrations of a psychopath (aka sociopath).

Empath – Approximately 36% of the population are empaths. They tend to be independent and highly aware of others feelings and perceptions. They will most often disobey orders or collective behavior (peer pressure) if they feel such behavior is unjust. Empaths are often readily able to see a psychopath for who they truly are. Psychopaths most often target empaths because of this.

Psychopaths/Sociopaths – Perhaps somewhere around 4% of humanity classifies primarily as a psychopath. This does not mean these people are serial killers. A psychopath is defined primarily as lacking empathy, lacking fear, possessing excessive charisma, often being highly intelligent and manipulative, and focusing only on over-dominating the rest of the world. They love to pull puppet strings, turn others against one another, and display how much power they possess.

 

The Two Poles of the False Self; The Root of much Mental and Behavioral Illness (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 190)

Paraphrased pretext note: According to Buddhist psychology, narcissism is an inherent consequence or side effect of maturation in human existence. It does not necessarily have to become a demon of future suffering, instability, and mental anguish, but most often it does. The adults suffering from such eventually become parents and pass this insufferable torch onto their children via their over invasiveness/intrusiveness or neglectful behavior in relation to their child’s true self. The child’s narcissistic anchor is unable to lock and hold on a stable parental entity in this dynamic and is thus unable to naturally autocorrect by withering away into oblivion from whence it came. Instead, the narcissistic anchor becomes a narcissistic “demon” possessing the child and that demon then assumes one of two possible versions, creating the shell of a false self around the child. Often, the child grows into an adult who continues to carry the demon for the rest of their life.

Cribb 2017

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Just as the philosophers of the Buddha’s day could be described as either eternalists (who believed in an immortal heaven, God, or real self) or annihilationists (who believed only in the meaninglessness or futility of life, so the human psyche finds comfort in alternatively embracing one or the other of these views. they are in fact, the two poles of the false self: namely, the grandiose self developed in compliance with the parent’s demands and in constant need of admiration, and the empty self, alone and impoverished, alienated and insecure, aware only of the love that was never given. The grandiose self, while fragile and dependent on the admiration of others, believes itself to be omnipotent or self-sufficient and so retreats to aloofness or remoteness, or, when threatened, clings to an idealized other from whom it hopes to retrieve its power. The empty self clings in desperation to that which it feels can assuage its hollowness or retreats to a barren void in which it is unapproachable and which reinforces the belief in its own unworthiness. Neither feels entirely satisfactorily, but to the extent that we are governed by the demands of the false self, we can envision no alternative.

thoughts without a thinker

Mark Epstein, M.D.          1995

Answer the Question (Love vs Sex 242)

Why am I with you?
Please answer the question.

You’re with me because you love me.

And why do I love you?
What is at the core of my love?

You love me because I am aware, empathetic, and intelligent.

Yes, but what impact do those traits have upon me?
You have other traits too that are not as positive, that could be considered detractors or significant negatives. So, why do your positive traits outbalance your problems and the challenges they present to me?

I guess that even though sometimes it’s difficult to be with me, you believe that the good outweighs the bad.

Maybe in part, but that’s not really the answer. Why would I choose to stay with you? People don’t just stay with someone because they love them. Love itself is not enough and it has never ever really been enough to justify a true commitment to a relationship. Love is awesome all by itself, but commitment to a relationship of love is on a different level. So, why would I choose to stay with you?

I suppose because you believe in me.

Bada-boom, bada-bang, we have a winner! I guess late is better than never! It would not be so bad of an idea to try and remember that. . . may indefinitely or perpetually or something along those types of temporal parameters. Let me help you out one more time, just to get you started again. . . I believe in you, butthead.

Cribb          2017

The Contorted, Twisted, and Bastardized Form of “Love”, We have All been Taught to Believe is Ideal (Love vs Sex 237)

Written by Percy Sledge and first recorded in 1966, “When a Man Loves a Woman” hit a cultural nerve. The song shot to the top of both the Billboard Hot 100 and R&B charts. Another version, recorded twenty-five years later by Michael Bolton, also went straight to the top of the charts, and the song now sits at number 54 on Rolling Stone’s list of the five hundred greatest songs of all time. Nothing is more prominent than love and sex in Western media, and “When a Man Loves a Woman” is an example of the message whispered in romantic ears throughout the world.

What does Mr. Sledge have to say about a man’s love for a woman? What are the signs of true masculine love? Copyright restrictions won’t allow us to quote the song’s lyric in full, but most readers know the words by heart anyway. To review, when a man loves a woman:

  • He becomes obsessed and can’t think of anything else.
  • He’ll exchange anything, even the world, for her company.
  • He’s blind to any fault she may have, and will abandon even his closest friend if that friend tries to warn him about her.
  • He’ll spend all his money trying to hold her attention.
  • And last but not least, he’ll sleep in the rain if she tells him to.

We’d like to suggest an alternative title for this song: “When a Man Becomes Pathologically Obsessed and Sacrifices All Self-Respect and Dignity by Making a Complete Ass of Himself (and Losing the Woman Anyway Because Really, Who Wants a Boyfriend Who Sleeps Out in the Rain Because Someone Told Him Too?).”

Sex at Dawn

Ryan and Jethá          2010

The Crucial Secret of Love for Thyself (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 147)

I was reminded today of a crucial secret which is imperative for understanding insecurity (often including the forces of depression, anxiety, and other OCD behavior), whether a person happens to be dealing with it in themselves or in it’s possession of another; the root of insecurity is the inability to genuinely appreciate your self worth aka the inability to genuinely love yourself for who you are. A person that never faces this demon of their own pathological self perception will never escape the torture and suffering of isolating insecurity. There is no other cure, no other way. Sadly, they will also never be able to experience love themselves because if a person is incapable of truly loving themselves, they cannot and will not ever believe that another is capable of this thing that they believe is so utterly impossible. The “form” of love they will practice will instead revolve more around control and dominance; fear, instead of pure respect and stable appreciation for the graces within their life and the people who choose to be a part of it.

May you truly perceive and comprehend your unique inherent beauty; may you genuinely love thyself the way you were always meant to.

Cribb          2016