Love vs Sex 187 (#23 on Tantric Sex)

When any feelings of sadness or frustration, even joy and love remain unexpressed, they accumulate slowly and become a storehouse of emotions affecting the harmony of mind and body. Jealousy, anger, hatred, fear, and rage, start building up early in our lives (often related to sexual interference), and no matter how hard we repress them, it is not easy to ignore these past emotions in the body. Our social lack of honest expression has compelled us to develop tough, brittle, and defensive qualities. We store the pain and disappointments that would have us weep and wail, and so they bury themselves in the unconscious as emotions, distorting our bodies and damaging the psyche.

When we show our innermost feelings as we experience them happening  within us, they are transformed into living energy and we are freed from the undermining effects. Even unexpressed love or joy soon turns to depression or sadness.

The point is that our conscious feelings contain our heaven, while our unconscious emotions contain our hell, and we create our hell through not expressing our heaven. Emotion is a defense to pain while feeling embraces it and uses it as a way to heal. At times heaven may look like hell in the form of a tragedy, a loss or a disaster, but if we allow the real feelings to rise, the anguish, agony and pain, we feel much better, even uplifted. Otherwise, if unexpressed our feelings pull down the spirit and eat up the heart. These remain as emotions lying dormant in the unconscious until an incident triggers the memory. The best we can do is learn to share our feelings and so avoid our emotions.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 185 (#22 on Tantric Sex)

Man’s ejaculation is not really an orgasm, although for men the words orgasm and ejaculation are used interchangeably to describe the experience. The semen is just the physical part, but the psychic and spiritual part of orgasm is missed completely. Here is where the highest potential of sex lies. Orgasm is a state where body is no longer felt as matter; it vibrates like energy, like electricity, filled with light. You are without physical boundaries, a dancing, throbbing energy, consumed with the divine. The body becomes vaporous, vibrating in harmony with the beloved, hearts beating together, and then orgasm happens—two become one—a circle pulsating together. This is the ancient symbol of yin and yang, yin moving into yang and yang moving into yin. It is exactly this spiritual state that we are unknowingly seeking in our conventional thiorst for orgams, because in the few seconds of orgasm that we do have, we can yield a higher force.

Tantra offers an orgasm that is a state and not an event. It is interested in being orgasmic, rather than having an orgasm. One is timeless and the other the fewest of seconds. This ecstatic state is an inner phenomenon from which greater joy and fulfillment arises. It is the experience of a valley orgasm, a falling into the ecstatic depths of relaxation. And perhaps out of this a peak can arise from the depths, forging and swirling its way upward orgasmically to its zenith. In this valley of relaxation a man can experience orgasm without ejaculation. The orgasmic energy moves through the body in waves, but there is no physical part to it—the semen remains in the body. And women are known to release copious liquid, a divine nectar called “amrita”, in the moments of ecstasy.

One cannot actively seek a valley orgasm, that is its beauty. It is not a doing, it is a by-product arising out of an intensity of being, profound relaxation. It happens to you, you do not make it happen. We can actively take steps to relax in sex through the Love Keys and give birth to the possibility of such an emerging experience. And the simplest way to approach it is to resist our habit for always going for orgasm or ejaculation. Relax, remain present, and see what happens instead. It does not mean that you never come. It means you extend the lovemaking and save the ejaculation for much later on, or you come less often, and perhaps gradually with less frequency. A variety of enriching and fulfilling experiences begin to engage you and fill out the lovemaking, and correspondingly the interest or dependence on the peak recedes. It depends on you, remembering when we don’t release the sex energy we are literally empowering ourselves.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 178 (#21 on Tantric Sex)

Afterplay

It is good to realize that separating slowly and respectfully is as important and significant as coming together slowly and respectfully. Foreplay and afterplay are one and the same thing. Conscious lovemaking creates a very powerful energy field around a couple, and if suddenly disrupted it can be extremely disturbing, producing quite the opposite effect. The intimate exchange creates a deep bonding, nurturing, and healing. It can be a physical and psychological shock when, for example, the man suddenly and unexpectedly withdraws his penis from the vagina leaving the woman with the feeling of being unplugged or suddenly abandoned by her lover, and the benefits experienced from the lovemaking can easily be destroyed. The energy fields are one, so avoid sudden separation. Tell your partner when you wish to separate your bodies, and do it slowly and consciously.

After making love it is really worthwhile to lie down side by side in consciousness, and relax together in silence after sexual union. Keep your attention inward before scattering the energy with talking or laughing, focusing on the streaming sensations in the body. This strongly reinforces your sensitivity and consciousness and has transforming effects.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 166 (#20 on Tantric Sex)

Rediscovering erogenous zones

Nature gave us erogenous zones that function naturally to produce sexual interest and excitation. Excitation can be felt as the buzzing of life energy itself and this is not to be confused with excitement. These erogenous zones assist us in accessing our life energy, and they function as as bridges to the present moment. However, through our lack of understanding in sex we overuse or abuse our erogenous zones, and they gradually become desensitized. This may show up as a lack of sensitivity where we withdraw physically and close down to the other and thus ourselves, or it may reflect as hypersensitivity, where we become unbearably sensitive, almost repelled by touch. The body can also feel leaden, numb, and dead.

For example, a woman’s nipples can become either dull and unresponsive or extremely sensitive to touch, almost painful. The tendency to either reaction is to immediately push the other person away. The same thing can happen to the clitoris, especially if used habitually to achieve orgasm. An insensitive touch can also have a repelling effect and will cause a woman to withdraw sexually at the very moment that her partner is trying to reach her.

In Tantra we learn that the breasts and nipples are a woman’s positive pole, the gateway to her sexual expression, and she can be brought to the depths and heights of orgasm through her breasts. The breasts are the route to her feminine sexual energy. So it becomes meaningful for a woman to have sensitivity in her breasts, and to be able to welcome and receive attention there. She must not react to the touch but respond and open up to it, so a man must take care how he touches her.

A useful guideline is to see if the approach contracts or expands your body energy, noticing whether it leads to more excitement and tension, or more inner sensitivity and expansion. It is beautiful and natural for the woman to touch the penis, but usually when she does so she wants it to be erect immediately so penetration and orgasm can happen. The classic way to an erection going is to use friction by moving the hand backward and forward. With this kind of stimulation, the man will feel excited, restless, and desirous of moving once he is inside of a woman, making it more difficult for him to penetrate slowly and consciously. With masturbation-like movements, the penis feels an unspoken pressure and demand for erection, sometimes making it more difficult for him to achieve. This type of erection, which relies on stimulation, can be temperamental, fragile, and easy to lose, so once the man is inside the woman he will then have to continually maintain and build up the level of sexual excitement in order to remain erect. In this way sex can become frenzied and overexciting, leading to quick ejaculation.

When the penis is fondled and caressed unhurriedly without the intention to get an erection, where the touch is loving and not demanding, this can be a beautiful experience, a wonderful sharing of energy. When the woman simply touches the penis with loving presence, when she massages, squeezes, pulls the foreskin folds back, the penis will absorb the love, feel the interest, and respond accordingly. The erection will be a side-effect of the love, with a different quality than that experienced when erection arises from a mental or physical pressure. The intention here is to love and adore the penis for its wonderful qualities, a healing, loving power tool. The penis itself recognizes the difference in the woman’s attitude and feels empowered.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 162 (#19 on Tantric Sex)

Tantra teaches us that the emotional qualities that a man finds most disturbing in a woman are something that he himself actually creates through his insistence on excitement and orgasm (This “insistence” has become an indoctrinated cultural norm and I would argue is instilled in both boys and girls as the only goal of “good” sex prior to even their earliest sexual encounters. It is interesting to me that such an obsessively instilled goal in the sexual act has replaced the only other commonly theorized alternative of “terrible” sex, “known” to be completely devoid of satisfactory pleasure and orgasmic sensuality for women. It would seem very possible that one of these extremes is a severe overswing/overcorrection from the other, sadly distracting all of us from the true blissful and stable balanced alternative of a non-excitatory approach to sex. – Cribb interjection 2015). A woman is kept at her lowest level of her sexual expression and obstructed from fulfilling her true female potential. For centuries she has been used as a sexual object, the source of men’s gratification. This saddens and enrages her. Over time her untapped divine energies become increasing dormant and stagnant, while a deep dissatisfaction, disappointment, and a lack of love pervades every cell in her body, making her emotionally unstable. Conventional sex, hot, frenzied, and focused on self gratification, whips up these emotions within, and this triggers sexual excitement, interfering with her ability to be receptive.

While emotional sex, as it is sometimes called, might be extremely pleasurable, it lasts only seconds, and ultimately has a depleting effect on the life energies. Deep down we know that we have used each other, not made love, and are saddened by it.

These emotional patterns and instability in a woman are so deeply ingrained that she begins to believe this is who she is. She has become identified with her emotional side. Women begin to falsely believe that a certain amount of emotion in their lives gives it shape, form, and meaning. They think that if there is a fight going on, then love is happening. Conversely and just as false, a woman often finds that if there is a period of calm and tranquility between herself and her lover, then love must be disappearing. Often a woman will focus on an ongoing theme of discontent to get some attention and bring some life back into the relationship. She will create a bit of a push and pull, a tug of war, just to get a sense of movement, a feeling of love.

When women are emotional, they become more excitable in sex, and this makes it difficult for both men and women to relax into making love. Orgasm will be a constant beckoning, pulling away from its spiritual nourishing phase.  When the sexual energy is allowed to relax instead of being forced into a peak, the corresponding emotionality of a woman gradually subsides. She becomes fulfilled, serene, and content. This is the shift from linear (sex energy released) to circular (sex energy retained) in which a woman finds herself more feminine, radiant, and loving. It is here in this circular movement, the union of sex and heart, where the true source of female sexual energy and ecstasy lies. Unfortunately women rarely reach their feminine potential because the circular female polarity—awakening sex energy through the breasts and heart—in sex is not recognized or utilized by either herself or by her lover. Deep down she knows intuitively that much is possible from sex and love. She senses and longs for an orgasmic, blissful state of divine union where love reigns. But she remains fundamentally unsatisfied, and eventually her distress translates into emotionality.

As excitement and goal oriented sex continue in her life, a woman will develop an emotional personality, demanding love and never finding the contentment of love within her. On the deepest level, this is a tragedy because we have lost our natural source of love.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 158 (#18 on Tantric Sex)

Feelings that have an emotional content are another matter entirely, and confuse many people because they can seem to create heaven and hell. Argument and love get entangled again and again, and there seems to be no way through to the peaceful times. Our feelings and emotions keep disturbing the tranquility. It is this aspect of ourselves, this subtle and usually unconscious layer, that needs to be brought into the awareness. Awareness of the body and of the thoughts are the first two steps. This is relatively easy compared to the third step, awareness of our shifting moods, swings in temperament, and complex emotions.

Although the words “emotion” and “feeling” are used interchangeably, this is a common (…and potentially highly destabilizing and destructive… – Cribb interjection) mistake.

Feelings are an expression of what is happening now, consciously in the present moment, and emotions are an unconscious expression from the past, something that has already happened. Feelings are conscious while emotions operate on an unconscious level. Feelings are expressed freshly and innocently, while with emotion the expression is avoided, repressed, or delayed, and when finally expressed is often overwhelming, destructive, or unkind. Emotions like to blame and say “you always… it is your fault…while feelings take responsibility and say “I feel” or “I need”. Feelings strengthen the heart while emotions harden the ego. Feelings bring you closer to the one you love while emotions separate you. It is clear that feelings and emotions have very different qualities, and give us almost opposing experiences of reality. Through our feelings we expand our energy, we feel light and energized. We feel closer to the one we love and supported by life. Through emotions we are contracted and tense, experiencing heaviness, hopelessness, and pain. It is exhausting. We feel separated from the world and outcast by the one we love.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003

Love vs Sex 154 (#17 on Tantric Sex)

Warming up to lovemaking is essential so that our energies can awaken and slowly attune to each other. It gives time for a natural attraction to arise, and this makes all the difference. It is good for both men and women, but especially women. Since women represent the negative polarity (the vagina in sexual intercourse and penetration), they need and appreciate time prior to penetration to be fully available for love. And it must be a loving and gentle play, not a serious business with goals in mind as if following a mechanical manual.

In a fresh approach to love making, the most significant thing about foreplay is that it should not produce too much excitement. Don’t make your partner too excited, even though it may be tempting at times. This makes it difficult to move into a relaxing sexual experience. When desire or lust is provoked through sexual stimulation, the energy moves toward release. As a result, staying conscious in and aware of the present moment will be difficult. In the Tantric approach to foreplay, it is the attitude of the mind that is most important. How you do it, not what you do, is the point. If you wish to make your partner hot and horny this requires a particular attitude and approach, a certain intention. How and where you touch will make all the difference. However, a man who really takes his time to gently awaken the body of a woman through a slow, sensual approach will feel the inviting environment once penetration occurs.

The Heart of Tantric Sex

Diana Richardson          2003