Why did you let me? (Love vs Sex 252)

‘Yes, you call it love but I call it torture,’ I said. ‘Why did you let me go into society if you thought it so evil that you ceased to love me because of it?’

‘It was not society, my dear,’ he said.

‘Why did you not use your authority?’ I went on. ‘Why didn’t you lock me up or kill me? I would be better off than I am now, deprived of all that made up my happiness. I should have been very happy, instead of being ashamed.’

I began to sob again and hid my face.

‘Yes,’ he began, as though continuing his thoughts aloud, ‘all of us, and especially you women, must discover for ourselves all the futilities of life in order to come back to life itself: the experience of other people is no good. At that time you were far from having got to the end of that sweet and charming nonsense that I used to enjoy in you, and I left you to have your fill of it, feeling that I had no right to stand in your way, although for me the time for that sort of thing was long past.’

‘If you loved me ,’ I said, ‘why did you stand by and allow me to go through with it?’

‘Because even if you had wanted to accept my experience  you would not have been able to: you had to find out for yourself — and you did.’

‘You thought it all out – thought it all out very carefully,’ I said. ‘You did not love very much.’

We lapsed into silence again.

‘That was harsh, what you said just now, but it is the truth,’ he exclaimed, suddenly rising to his feet and beginning to walk about the veranda. ‘Yes, it’s the truth. I was to blame,’ he added, stopping opposite me. ‘Either I ought not to have allowed myself to love you at all, or I ought to have loved you in a simpler way.’

Happily Ever After

Leo Tolstoy          1859

Cribb Comment: I believe this passage exquisitely portrays a dynamic all too common in any relationship involving one member who is maturely and aptly at peace with themselves and their existence versus another member who is immaturely floundering about in nervous energy anxiety (etc.) and the narcissism of satiating themselves in societal delusion and distraction. The passage is even more profound and relevant for this dynamic when a significant age disparity exists between these two entities. The man of this passage (the more mature entity in this case) profoundly loves this woman and he almost refused to marry her earlier in the book because of his prophetic knowledge of how things were likely to play out. The last sentence in the quote refers to this. His other counter to this tragedy, in this very same sentence, is to say “or I ought to have loved you in a simpler way.” My interpretation is to assume that this simpler way means without such passion or remaining further removed, but it is feasible that he is simply referring to enacting greater patience and personal acceptance of the “cost” involved in remaining unselfish and supremely stable in such a relationship. Any of these behaviors by the man would have required enormous self sacrifice and essentially equate to him moving into a long term yielding (negative) transcendence state (instead of a horizontal or upperward transcendence state) with someone he dearly loved.

At the time of this passage in the book, the female character has already bucked a simple, intimate, and quieter life with her husband, opting instead for the chaotic excitement and thrill which dwells most manicaly in the nervous energy of the fickle societal herd. She has run that course out of her own choice with some component of said choice being related to her utter defiance of her husbands stable posture and contentment which she cannot help but perceive primarily as authoritarian in nature. After profoundly discovering through her own experience and suffering that the societal bosom is never more than a “futility of life,” our female character must look to blame another for the consequences of her own unrelenting egocentric perspective. She must blame him, damn him for being too authoritarian or for not being authoritarian enough, to justify the suffering and consequence that she so proudly chose to march into with such gleeful determination. Our female character now sees all of the wasted and nonrecoverable time that she threw away in the suffering and consequence of her independent choices.

Cribb          2018


An Affectation of Simplicity: Tolstoy on Insecurity and Misperception (Love vs Sex 250)

Another thing that used to rile me but which I afterwards enjoyed was his complete indifference and, almost, disdain for my appearance. Never, either by word or look, was there a hint that he thought me pretty : on the contrary, he would make a wry face and laugh when people complimented me on my looks in front of him. He took a positive pleasure in picking out my defects and teasing me about them. The fashionable clothes on which Katya liked to dress me up and the way she did my hair for festive occasions only provoked his mockery, mortifying the kind-hearted Katya and at first disconcerting me. Katya, having made up her mind that he admired me, was quite unable to understand his not liking to see a woman he admired shown off to the best advantage. But I quickly came to see what was behind it. He wanted to be sure that I was devoid of vanity. And so soon as I realized this, I actually was quite free from any trace of affection in the clothes I wore, or the way I did my hair, or how I moved; but a very obvious form of affectation took its place – an affectation of simplicity, at a time when I could not yet be really simple. I knew that he loved me; but whether as a child or a woman I had not then asked myself; I prized his love and, feeling that he considered me better than all the other young women in the world, I could not help wishing him to continue in the illusion. And involuntarily I deceived him. But in deceiving him I became a better person myself. I felt how much better and more worthy it was for me to show him the finer side of my nature than any of the physical attractions. My hair, my hands, my face, my ways – whether good or bad, it seemed to me he had appraised them all at a glance and knew them so well that I could add nothing to them except the wish to deceive him. But my inner self he did not know, because he loved it and because it was in the very midst of growth and development; and there I could – and did – deceive him. And how easy my relations with him became once I understood this clearly! My groundless confusion and awkwardness of movement completely disappeared. I felt that from whatever angle he saw me, whether sitting or standing, with my hair up or down, all of me was known to him and, I fancied, satisfied him. If, contrary to his practice, he had suddenly told me, as other people did, that I was beautiful, I believe I should have been anything but pleased. But, on the other hand, how happy and light-hearted I would feel when, after something I said, he would gaze at me intently and say in a voice charged with emotion which he would try to hide with a humorous note : ‘Yes, oh yes, there is something about you. You’re a fine girl, that I must admit.’

Happily Ever After

Leo Tolstoy          1859

Cribb Comment:

In this passage Tolstoy writes from the perspective of Masha or Marya who is married to Sergei. Masha’s description of her own feelings is intended to display her inaccurate perception and interpretation of the behavior of her husband Sergei due to the insecurity and immaturity which plagues her soul. Sergei finds Masha to be the most attractive woman that he has ever known, but his profound love for her originates even more so in his awareness and appreciation of her drive and inner spirit. Sergei perceives and appreciates the unique exquisiteness of the totality of Masha’s essence far beyond any other person mentioned within the novel.

I would suggest that the conundrum and potentiated expression of Masha’s insecurity and misperception is buried within the “dominance challenge” created by the union of these two special souls. Masha’s unusually profound love for Sergei is both a supreme blessing and a curse to her as it bombards her relentlessly. Due to her youth and her lack of mature comprehension of the “simplicity” of genuine love and genuine life, she throws herself into an undulating and unstable fear-love pendulum of  perception and assumption. Her fear of losing Sergei’s love, which is too simple and too unexcitable to satiate her preconceived notion of such things, leads her to subconsciously exert efforts to justify her own attempt to dominate and/or demonize him.

The first third of the passage ends with a clarifying explanation. Sergei’s befuddling behavior has been focused primarily on a true appreciation of Masha’s exquisite beauty and, because of such awareness, not wanting her to run to ruin via the all too temptible sin of such exceptional attractiveness, vanity. Masha goes on to state that she “could not yet be really simple” and that she wasn’t sure if he “loved her more as a child or a woman.” She continues by saying that nonetheless “she prized his love” no matter how unfounded it might be and that she could not help herself from wanting to enable “this illusion” of his. To paraphrase, she is saying that she is scared and unable to comprehend how a man of such worth could love her in such simplicity. This fear leads her to doubt the true nature of his love, and though she cannot escape that insecurity, she also cannot let go of the possibility that his love could actually be genuine. Thus, she must continue down her undulating path of uncertainty by “wishing the illusion to continue.”

Masha’s many references to Sergei knowing, seeing, and perceiving her in every respect, also illustrates a dynamic rift in her psyche which she is unable to resolve at this time. On one hand, she is enamoured and overjoyed by his attentions, but on the other, she feels looked down upon, pitied, and too exposed by her vulnerability to be a worthy equal. As a result, she focuses on the mental triumph of “deceiving him” in order to raise herself up in confidence and self worth. That deception takes place secretly or passive aggressively in her psyche to avoid the direct or natural correction that would confront such behavior if she employed it directly or consciously.

Masha’s unwarranted fear and confusion turns into an undulating mind game which is then used to justify her passive aggressive need and employment of willful deception to bolster her self worth and confidence. Because she cannot fathom how Sergei might love her otherwise in simplicity, she attempts to turn herself into the exact opposite of such simplicity and/or his direct opponent. She cannot sustain the vision of how Sergei sees her. She can only sustain the vision of how she sees herself.

In the last line of the passage, we swing back once more into the slight glimmer of a faint flame of hope. Paradoxically, a simplicity is displayed in that sentence by Sergei that seems to somehow slip through all of Masha’s defenses to keep a tiny lingering tendril of her love for him enduringly intact.

Cribb          2018

Monster (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 237)


So we were up
Throwin’ dice in the dark
I saw you late, last night, come to harm
I saw you dance in the devil’s arms

The night kept coming
Really nothing I could do
Eyes with a fire, unquenched, by peace
Curse the beauty, curse the queen

So we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, that makes my body burn
And here is the name that our sons will learn
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me

So when you’re weak
When you are on your knees
I’ll do my best, with the time, that’s left
Sworn with your spirit, you’re fully fleshed

So fuck your dreams
And don’t you pick at our seams
I’ll turn into a monster for you, If you pay me enough
None of this counts, if you do, cloud up

So we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, which makes my body burn
And here is the name, that our sons will learn
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me

Mumford and Sons

Songwriters: Benjamin Walter David Lovett / Edward James Milton Dwane / Marcus Oliver Johnstone Mumford / Winston Aubrey Aladar Marshall
Monster lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

The Act and Threat of Opening Up (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 235)

If you feel guilt, shame or anxiety when you actually open up to someone as the real you, as your genuine inner essence of perception, experience, and contemplation, by sharing a raw and fully exposed conversation with them, you should not be ashamed, nor fear that person, nor assume that you have overburdened that person with something unjust or sinful.

You should reflect and understand why you felt a visceral perception that you could be yourself, fully vulnerable and uncloaked, in your interaction with that person and you should also consider why your normal and longstanding inner circle of friends, family, and associates has marked you to feel that guilt, shame, and anxiety whenever you have tried to let the real you come out and play in your true glorious splendor in the past. Do not confuse those who have done such marking on your soul with those who are scapegoated as the abomination for trying to reverse the spell, for trying to reverse the curse.

There are dangerous doppelgangers, mimics, and chameleons who might sweep in and take advantage of a soul yearning to free itself openly, but those imposters will always be posturing, leveraging, and controlling in intent, kind of like that marking inner circle, but just better at it than that collective.

The genuine empaths, the lovers of shared core essence, will not posture, leverage, or destabilize another soul, so that they might feed upon it or pull its strings. They will help lift you out of all the traps, darkness, and deception, because they genuinely delight in seeing you shine in your own unique and fulminant radiance.

The authentic and adept empath removes the marks of the inner circles and the marks of the mimickers, counters the curses, and slays the shame, guilt, and anxiety if you allow them the opportunity. They worship you like no other and they do so not out of need, boredom or self empowerment. They worship you like no other, because they perceive that core essences are intended to shine in the undeniable exquisite beauty of their unique individual composition. That shine is the universal element of union, love, and unyielding transcendence. That shine is the culminating and supreme grace of our collective existence.

Cribb          2018

Hyperfocus (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 234)

If you can hyperfocus on:

1) A, then can you also hyperfocus on B?
2) blue, then can you also hyperfocus on red?
3) exercise, then can you also hyperfocus on being sedentary?
4) eating obsessively, then can you also hyperfocus on anorexia?
5) sex, then can you also hyperfocus on abstinence?
6) being faithful to a mate, then can you also hyperfocus on being an unfaithful adulterer?
7) ingesting meat with every meal, then can you also hyperfocus on being a vegetarian or a vegan?
8) reading, then can you also hyperfocus on never reading and watching movies instead?
9) accumulating material goods, then can you also hyperfocus on being a minimalist?
10) being resentful and unappreciative, then can you also hyperfocus on being appreciative?
11) emotional volatility, then can you also hyperfocus on emotional stability?
12) being anxious, depressed, and distracted from incorporating reality into your existence and your awareness, then can you also hyperfocus on being relaxed, happy, and mindful in incorporating reality into your existence and awareness?

The difference isn’t the target, it’s the choice of the target, and often that individual’s choice hinges on whatever fear or socially attentive benefit has been sown into their psyche regarding that choice.

A person either possess the drive and ability to hyperfocus on any chosen subject, action, item, or ideal, or they do not. “Relative hyperfocus” is a choice (even if it has been traumatically marked and induced by PTSD or other overwhelming abuse/fear), not an instinctual or naturally occuring mandate.

Cribb          2018

Sentenced to the Electric Chair (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 230)

Imagine you had been sitting in an electric chair for 44 years and the whole time you were sitting there, you were hyper-aware of your pain and the overwhelming sensation and reality of the insanity and chaos throughout existence. Imagine you could handle all of that, take all of that pain, all of that awareness, and that even though it had scorched you more than most could endure for longer than a few hours. . . you had survived because for some unknown and perhaps silly reason, you were really strong. Imagine, that what really hurt you. . . what tore at you and hurt you so much more was that you could see most everyone else sitting voluntarily, eagerly in their very own electric chairs, strapping their own children and their own animals into the same type of torture device as soon as was possible. . . you could see couples grinning at each other as they flipped each others switches to fry one another’s brain and one another’s heart and one another’s soul; all the while making their children watch so they could learn how to embrace such a lifelong infectiously shocking existence themselves. Imagine, you were a witness to it all. . . and you were doing everything in your power to turn off the electricity, but all of those people just kept grinning and grinning and grinning at each other while they flipped and flipped and flipped those switches. Imagine.

Cribb          2014

The Secret Bully Adult who was Once an Abused Child (Warrior Poet Mental Yoga) 229

A person who has been previously abused by a parent, but who did not suffer absolute  obliteration of their spirit and drive as a result, will often display unique, conflicting, and paradoxical behavior towards different people in their adult life.

For those they perceive as being submissive to them or nonthreatening, more specifically noncontrolling, in any shape, form, or fashion, they will conduct themselves as laid back, aloof, and free spirited. This is their “excuse” to rationalize to themselves that they haven’t grown up to become the same type of bully that their abusive parent was. This is pseudo-behavior or convenient mimicry. A bully can always appear laid back or aloof or even fairy like as long as they are getting their way regarding everything that they want at the moment. It can be even further confusing and enabling to such a bully if they happen to be a teacher, business owner, or similar person in a position of authority and those who are subservient to them shower them with praise for being so fair and honest and understanding. But, we must remember subservience is the key to the reality in these cases, not the praise.

You will not see the true colors of such a bully come out until they have to compromise or share or yield to better judgement in a relationship that might temper their spoiled brat behavior and impulsivity of action. You will not see them display anxiety or suffer from significant delusional perception (PTSD if you will from their previous parental abuse) until they interact with a person who is more dominant than themselves. The dominant interaction or challenge is the trigger to their selective delusion because they viscerally sense that such dominance perceives the genuine reality of all of their bully behavior.

This bully will counter the true dominant figure in one of three ways. First, they will try to charm the dominant into letting them continue to get away with their spoiled brat antics forever by suggesting that “it’s just the way they are or just the way that God made them.” This, of course, is only an elaborate excuse for them to be selfish and not have to answer to any other authority figure. Secondly, they will bombard the dominant with delusional parameters, assumptions, and fears, in an attempt to destabilize and overwhelm the dominant into “caving their better judgement” or “over-nurturing” them because of their supposed “trials and tribulations.” Third, they will create a self fulfilling prophecy of events and perceptions that will implode the relationship while putting the blame on the scapegoat dominant, so that they can escape the dominant oversight, and resent in a relationship with a submissive to retain the confidence of their previous pseudo-personality.

The greatest and almost insurmountable fear of this secret bully adult who was once an abused child is that they might become their abusive parent. Because of such fear this type of bully will go to any length whatsoever to avoid recognizing the reality of what they have allowed themselves to become via reverse imprinting. That includes the sacrifice of a loving mate and the perpetual destabilization of their own children. This dynamic can easily inflict severe mental illness and suffering on future generations before they even have a chance to protect themselves or understand that they are being imprinted upon. It is imperative that this pattern of behavior be brought to light for consideration and open discussion with those who have suffered from an abusive parent.

Cribb          2018