A little girl, Destabilized

A little girl has been destabilized, perhaps unintentionally and unknowingly, by her parents. She is an inherently high drive creature and with a lack of proper structure in her development, via over-nurturing and/or being neglectfully ignored by her parents, her dominance takes over prematurely and her behavior escalates accordingly in a natural effort to assume control of her pack (her family).

Her efforts resort in her parents (or a parent) reacting in a correction of severe over-dominance, verbal and physical, to tame the “noisy or smartass or troublesome or disrespectful” little girl. The parents don’t really understand that they themselves taught or passively encouraged the little girl to become the “monster” that they now over-dominate out of their own frustration.

The over-dominance instills fear in the little girl’s soul. It is especially bad and tragic because the girl is being “tortured” by her parents for simply behaving the way that seems natural to her and that her parents have previously supported or encouraged, actively or passively. Being over-dominated/punished/tortured with fear for simply just acting the natural way she was encouraged to act in the first place, does not compute within her high drive soul.

Such action naturally creates resentment and hatred in her high drive soul for these over-dominators. She knows that they act unfairly and irrationally. Thus, she loses her faith in the possibility of ever receiving truly just treatment or proper respect from anyone ever, because if her parents could act so irrationally and demonically towards her, then everyone else in the world would have to be the same or even worse. She kills her hope of anything better, ever, in her psyche, as a survival mechanism to tolerate this unjust treatment, that she will have to tolerate from her parents until she is old enough to get away from them.

She never learned proper structure or respectful boundaries, because the world she grew up in did not have either. She grew up in a world of unpredictable fear and over-dominance, so she learned to “just act good” or comply in everything she did, just to avoid the undue “torture” from her parents. Her resentment grew fierce throughout her childhood and during the same time, her psyche doubled-down on pure egocentric focus out of a self-preserving perspective. It became her against the “rest of the world” while she remained living in that “oppressive” environment.

Later in life, the little girl, now grown into an adult, still suffers from the demons that were implanted in her psyche in her childhood. She is insecure and cannot trust anyone deep down. She may act the part well, like she did previously with her parents to avoid their torture, but it is just an act, because she is still riddled with fear. She learned a long time ago from her parents, that no one can be trusted.

Some vestige of hope eternally remains in her soul, so despite her unrelenting fear, she still seeks out companionship, love, and union. Her tolerable adaptation to satiate her fear and her need of love, is to cleverly and intricately, and to a large extent subconsciously, impose a subtle control system over her companion. It is an intricate deception that hides its subconscious intent extremely well from even herself. But, the subtle signs of control are there persistently, if you know what to look for; jealousy, insecurity, paranoia, the mandating of excessive praise and worship from her partner at all times, and her implementation of “feats or tricks” that must be performed on an ongoing basis by her partner to affirm her control over him.

For this woman to shed her fear, she must deal directly with her demon and discard her adaptive and once protective delusional assessment of the world. She must relinquish all forms of imposing control, no matter how subtle and intricate they may be. She must accept the reality in front of her face and the limitations inherent within that reality. She must chose to believe that there is another soul in the world who will love her and treat her appropriately for who she truly is. She must chose to genuinely love herself and forgive those who unfortunately tried to control her with fear.

It is a very, very hard path to walk, but some will make it through.

Cribb          2016

Love vs Sex 207 (#29 on Tantric Sex)

I was always frightened of Des. He seemed to exude aggression and apparently his pent-up frustration had occasionally erupted in violence in his relationships.

I avoided working with him on my training course, in spite of the Tantric ethos of trying to step beyond personality issues and connect with the essentially divine being in front of you.

One day I found myself sitting cross-legged in front of Des, to do a fire meditation. As we started deep breathing and visualizing flames in our base chakras, I felt put off by the intensity of his labored breathing. Even his breathing seemed aggressive to me.

‘And as Shiva he should  be following my pattern of breathing!’ I thought. I started to withdraw, feeling intimidated by his overbearing presence.

But then the Tantric adage clicked in my head. ‘It’s all just energy.’ While he might sometimes express it as anger or violence, Des was sitting on a powder-keg of energy. And I’m a powerful person too. The way to meet him on an energy level was not to follow my usual inclination to retreat and make myself smaller, but to manifest my own power.

I breathed deeply into my pelvis, allowing the energy in my base chakra to expand, and ignite, using the images of the flames to help me. Eyes closed, I went inside to get in touch with my own power.

Suddenly the flame caught and I could feel the heat building up around my sitting bones. I opened my eyes and looked directly into Des’s eyes as we both breathed together, our energies alive and suddenly dancing together, all fear and holding back gone.

Tantric Sex

Cassandra Lorius          1999

Cribb Comment:

This Tantric passage ties in very well with the conundrum that dominant females may experience when entering into a relationship or even just the orbit of a dominant male (high drive, stable, aware). This dominant male is not to be confused with the pseudo-dominant male aka “bully” (a destabilized Alpha or Beta male) that our culture has falsely come to associate with supposed dominance. The writer illustrates her own dominance glitch in the unspoken power challenge or biphasic recognition, described above, when she admits feeling intimidated and initiates withdrawal, because Des was refusing to “follow” her breathing pattern. The “powder-keg” that Des sits upon, and that the writer finally acknowledges as pure energy, can also be simply referred to as “high drive” within a given individual. Understanding that high drive energy actually prefers other high drive energy, despite the inherent concerns, skepticism, and fear, brought about by such coupling in both parties, is perhaps the most difficult concept and dynamic for dominants (and especially unstable dominants) to understand about one another. Stable energy seeks to be met or matched, not to obliterate, swallow, or deconstruct.

The last sentence of the passage is exceptionally poignant and pithy. It captures the hope,  intimacy, and union, that awaits us all, if only we will open our eyes and our energy to the dismissing of our own vulnerabilities, so that we may dance fearlessly together…..even with someone as dominant as ourselves.

Cribb          2016

Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 119

I cannot understand what pleasures and joys they are that drive people to the overcrowded railways and hotels, into the packed cafés with the suffocating and oppressive music, to the Bars and variety entertainments, to World Exhibitions, to the Corsos. I cannot understand nor share these joys, though they are within my reach, for which thousands of others strive. On the other hand, what happens to me in my rare hours of joy, what for me is bliss and life and ecstasy and exaltation, the world in general seeks at most in imagination; in life it finds absurd. And in fact, if the world is right, if this music of the cafés, these mass enjoyments and these Americanized men who are pleased with so little are right, then I am wrong, I am crazy. I am in truth the Steppenwolf that I often call myself; that beast astray who finds neither home nor joy nor nourishment in a world that is strange and incomprehensible to him.

Steppenwolf

Hermann Hesse         1927

Love vs Sex 199

How did Leon cope with his emotional and sexual feelings toward Miss Anderson during these months? Could all the time, devotion, and reassurance she tried to give him countervail against the gigantic proportions of his anxiety and guilt over sexual expression, his stupendous fear of becoming dependent on her, his fear that she, like his mother, would overwhelm and stifle him, and against his gigantic doubts of his adequacy, indeed, his identity, as a man? On the one hand, in contrast to his typically detached, emotionless, coldly hostile  take-it-or-leave-it relationship with others, he went to great lengths to maintain, solidify, and perpetuate his relationship with her. On the other hand, he could not let the relationship develop, but had to contain it within strict bounds, and he was therefore compelled to employ a whole gamut of defense mechanisms to alleviate his guilt and anxiety, and deny his dependency on her. These defensive maneuvers intermingled and alternated with his positive approaches in a series of predictable fluctuations. If a particular session with Miss Anderson was human and warm, we could reasonably expect that the next would be difficult, characterized by withdrawal or hostility, or muteness, or an excessive concern with squelches.

The Three Christs of Ypsilanti

Milton Rokeach          1964

Cribb Comment: Though this specific observed and documented behavior occurred between an institutionalized paranoid schizophrenic (Leon) and a research assistant (Miss Anderson), I am convinced the same forces, fears, and dynamics apply to the overwhelming majority of what are considered normal or successful relationships in our society. I have experienced and witnessed the phenomena from the fear riddled insecure perspective and also from the secure stable position of a respectful and appropriately nurturing companion/partner. The first involves the relentless yin and yang of perpetually destabilizing fear. That fear becomes that person’s god and that god is a prototypical god of addiction. Even with a strong desire for change, genuine transient acceptance of reality and truth, and new personal experiences of greater bliss and happiness than what has ever been experienced before, the addict will almost inevitably cycle back into their delusional drug of perceived self protection and thus, self preservation. The fear of failure and the possibility of suffering more as a result of “letting go” and accepting the free fate of reality cripples most into the stagnant resolve of withdrawal in one elaborate form or another. Odd, that this chosen effort of withdrawal, is almost always denied or rewritten by the conscious mind of the insecure by projecting a seemingly justified perception on another that requires or mandates their (withdrawal) response from said person, only in the name of their own defense and preservation. The withdrawer, thus remains (within their psyche) the perpetual victim, not the instigator, the passive person or force, who has no control and no responsibility, in the perceptions or behaviors of others. In the confines of their mind, they genuinely believe that they are a helpless and blameless victim suffering in an external world that is just too damn cruel and overbearing. In reality, they are instituting the overriding subconscious control of everything they experience through the application of a delusional or false reality. This does not invalidate or ignore the relevance that such pathological insecurity was most likely initiated by a genuine experience of excessive destabilization in a prior experience. Typically, that prior experience occurs during a developmental phase in which a child is very vulnerable to such forces.

I think it also very relevant to mention the point brought up in the last sentence of the quote and how that point ties into sex within any given relationship. Tantric principles and observations support the theory that after a sexual experience, and especially one of profound union, harmony, and bliss, an unstable participant will typically find themselves obsessing on insecurities and other demons to push back against the vulnerable bond (and the associated person who just made love to them) that now, post-coitally, suddenly becomes rewritten by their psyche into something to doubt, to suspect, . . . . . . to fear. The instability is somehow triggered even more profoundly by pure undeniable acts of love and bonding.

Cribb          2016

 

Love vs Sex 197

Upstairs, in the bedroom, the torrent of Mary’s reproaches and abuse streamed on, unceasingly. Gerry did not even look at her. Averted, he seemed absorbed in the contemplation of the Pascin hanging over the mantelpiece. The painting showed two women lying foreshortened on a bed, naked.

“I like this picture,” he said with deliberate intolerance, when Mrs. Amberley has paused for a breath. “You can see that the man who painted it has just finished making love to those girls. Both of them. At the same time,” he added.

Mary Amberley went very pale; her lips trembled, her nostrils fluttered as though with a separate and uncontrollable life of their own.

“You haven’t even been listening to me,” she cried. “Oh, you’re awful, you’re horrible!” The torrent began to flow again, more vehemently than ever.

Still turning his back to her, Gerry went on looking at the Pascin nudes; then at last, blowing out a final cloud of tobacco-smoke, he threw the stump of his cigarette into the fireplace and turned around.

“When you’ve quite done,” he said in a tired voice,”we may as well go to bed.” And after a little pause, while, unable to speak, she glared furiously in his face, “Seeing that’s what you really want,” he added, and, smiling ironically, advanced across the room towards her. When he was quite near her, he halted and held out his hands invitingly. They were large hands, immaculately kept, but coarse, insensitive, brutal. “Hideous hands,” Mary thought as she looked at them, “odious hands!” All the more odious now, because it was by their very ugliness and brutality that she had first been attracted, was even at this moment being attracted, shamefully, in spite of all the reasons she had for hating him. “Well, aren’t you coming?” he asked in the same bored, derisive tone.

For answer, she hit out at his face. But he was too quick for her, caught the flying hand in mid-air and, when she tried to bring the other into play, caught that too. She was helpless in his grasp.

Still, smiling down at her, and without a word, he pushed her backwards, step by step, towards the bed.

“Beast!” she kept repeating, “beast!” and struggled, vainly, and found an obscure pleasure in her helplessness. He pushed her against the end of the low divan, further and further, inexorably, and at last she lost her balance and fell back across the counterpane—(fell back, while, with one knee on the edge of the bed, he bent over her, still smiling the same derisive smile). “Beast, beast!” But in fact, as she secretly admitted to herself—and the consciousness was intoxicating in its shamefulness—in fact, she really wanted to be treated as he was treating her—like a prostitute, like an animal; and in her own house, what was more, with her guests all waiting for her, and the door unlocked, and her daughters wondering where she was, perhaps at this very moment coming up the stairs to look for her. Yes, she really wanted it. Still struggling, she gave herself up to the knowledge, to the direct physical intuition that this intolerable degradation was the accomplishment of an old desire, was a revelation marvellous as well as horrible, was the Apocalypse, the whole Apocalypse at once, angel and beast, plague, lame and whore in a single divine, revolting, overwhelming experience. . .

Eyeless in Gaza

Aldous Huxley          1936

 

Warrior Poet Mental Yoga 118

Stability

Stability tends to respond calmly and without so much biased interpretation and perceived offense. It listens fearlessly and has a low emotional volatility, but may present an extremely formidable and intimidating presence when attacked or backed into a corner or a trap. Stability removes much cyclical insanity and the associated redundant stagnation of such. Its energy comes more from internal fission and less from external plundering or drain. Stability seeks progressive stability.

I have certainly been an unstable bastard myself, most pronounced in the sexual relationships that I thought I was cultivating, up until about four years ago. I wasn’t trying to be unreasonable, unstable, jealous, or egocentric at that time. In fact, I felt fairly justified in my frustration with the thoughts and actions, real and imaginary, of those whom I felt I cared most deeply about and whom “did not give me enough attention or consideration or love.” I shrouded myself in a cloak of superiority and greater rationale because “I was doing all this thinking and considering and pondering” and I told myself others were not. The times I would completely “bestow” (I am making fun of my own insanity) my “gracious” and emphatic love upon others seemed to me at the time to be the appropriate response I should give to them for “finally getting it” or relenting to my justified opinion. If they refused to do so, I would tend to attack or withdraw. I thought I was loving them more than they were loving me on a perpetual basis, but whenever they would come around to “see the light,” all became blissful and right in my world. If only they could be that way all the time, just “get it” more often, then we wouldn’t have any problems whatsoever and paradise would reign. But, the truth is far different from what my unstable mind packaged as reality. I was insecure and constantly over-dominating in the name of love, destabilizing those I professed to care about the most, weakening them and most importantly subjugating their free choice of independence…the ability to stay or leave my side as they desired.

So, the main issue that confounds stability is insecurity or the inability to truly and devoutly love yourself. If you don’t learn to genuinely appreciate and love yourself, you will never be able to believe that someone else is capable of loving you (this is usually experienced subconsciously by the insecure/unstable person). If you do not think people will love you via freedom of choice, you will turn to tools of control. manipulation, and over-dominating to “make them love you” or “to secure their love.” Such tricks obviously get rewritten by the psyche to be anything but what they truly are. It has to be someone else’s problem when they feel so bad and insecure about themselves. Someone else must be guilty. That someone or even everyone else, must truly, madly, and deeply feel that they are as worthless as they actually feel about themselves. Stability is getting out of your own mind and processing reality over your own fears. It is accepting that another is capable of truly loving the real you for whomever you are. With true love of the self, the need for over-dominance of others and the necessity of persistent distraction via emotional volatility fades away. Self respect accepts the validity of respect from others and all that comes with it. It allows love to be acknowledged and exchanged. The free exchange of respect, of love, without coercion or tomfoolery or bastardization or hidden cost is stability. If someone does not believe in such a thing they will never be able to see it or find it. It is a simple choice.

Cribb

2016