For instance, you need to be aware of your tendency to project your own emotions and issues onto others, and to have developed ways of staying with whatever is going on—even when things get tough. Whether you’re crying, angry, fearful or blaming, all these emotions are your own. In order to get through them she suggests that you stay with them, rather than running away from them. It’s a challenge to take responsibility for your own emotions and not to feel either victimized or blaming about anything that comes up. Otherwise, you will end up constantly fighting with and blaming your partner as you attempt Tantric practices together. Tantric techniques can enable you to get to a point where you can treat emotions as pure energy, rather than anything real.
Instead, you can learn to concentrate on feelings and sensations. Emotions are our ego response to the things that happen to us, while our feelings are our sensory experience of the things that are happening to us. Feelings are very much to do with the present, while emotions tend to have roots in the past. Instead of sapping your energy because you’re reliving and recreating old emotional traumas, feelings are fresh and energizing. If you feel you’re getting into an emotional tangle, you can do a ‘reality check’ — concentrate on what’s really going on right now with the person in front of you, rather than what you think is going on.
Relaxing back into the sense of contact and connection between you can help more love to come in, and keep you out of defensive or attacking angry mode with your partner.
Cassandra Lorius 1999