I was always frightened of Des. He seemed to exude aggression and apparently his pent-up frustration had occasionally erupted in violence in his relationships.
I avoided working with him on my training course, in spite of the Tantric ethos of trying to step beyond personality issues and connect with the essentially divine being in front of you.
One day I found myself sitting cross-legged in front of Des, to do a fire meditation. As we started deep breathing and visualizing flames in our base chakras, I felt put off by the intensity of his labored breathing. Even his breathing seemed aggressive to me.
‘And as Shiva he should be following my pattern of breathing!’ I thought. I started to withdraw, feeling intimidated by his overbearing presence.
But then the Tantric adage clicked in my head. ‘It’s all just energy.’ While he might sometimes express it as anger or violence, Des was sitting on a powder-keg of energy. And I’m a powerful person too. The way to meet him on an energy level was not to follow my usual inclination to retreat and make myself smaller, but to manifest my own power.
I breathed deeply into my pelvis, allowing the energy in my base chakra to expand, and ignite, using the images of the flames to help me. Eyes closed, I went inside to get in touch with my own power.
Suddenly the flame caught and I could feel the heat building up around my sitting bones. I opened my eyes and looked directly into Des’s eyes as we both breathed together, our energies alive and suddenly dancing together, all fear and holding back gone.
Cassandra Lorius 1999
This Tantric passage ties in very well with the conundrum that dominant females may experience when entering into a relationship or even just the orbit of a dominant male (high drive, stable, aware). This dominant male is not to be confused with the pseudo-dominant male aka “bully” (a destabilized Alpha or Beta male) that our culture has falsely come to associate with supposed dominance. The writer illustrates her own dominance glitch in the unspoken power challenge or biphasic recognition, described above, when she admits feeling intimidated and initiates withdrawal, because Des was refusing to “follow” her breathing pattern. The “powder-keg” that Des sits upon, and that the writer finally acknowledges as pure energy, can also be simply referred to as “high drive” within a given individual. Understanding that high drive energy actually prefers other high drive energy, despite the inherent concerns, skepticism, and fear, brought about by such coupling in both parties, is perhaps the most difficult concept and dynamic for dominants (and especially unstable dominants) to understand about one another. Stable energy seeks to be met or matched, not to obliterate, swallow, or deconstruct.
The last sentence of the passage is exceptionally poignant and pithy. It captures the hope, intimacy, and union, that awaits us all, if only we will open our eyes and our energy to the dismissing of our own vulnerabilities, so that we may dance fearlessly together…..even with someone as dominant as ourselves.