She said “You are the most intelligent person that I have ever known,” but then she started to tell me what my thoughts were and at other times, she would raise her hands and cover her ears to block out and repel the feelings and truth which accompanied that intelligence, the feelings and truth which I needed to share.
She said “You are the only one, the only one that I can talk to like this. No one else gets it,” and she would call and talk to me for hours at a time on the phone…hours, but then in the same breath, a glitch later, she would reflexively proclaim that a man of minimal awareness, a vector of the pathologic delusions of commonality, was her best friend, her best confidant. And then, I suppose, she went in search for conversation from a third or more…of another sort in some satiating way that our exchanges had lacked.
She said “Your mom didn’t deserve you Jeff. She really didn’t…with some of the things she said to you and the way she behaved,” but on a different day she would go home to her own mother and demean her and make her cry. And I defending her in one respect and critiquing her in another, all in an effort to lift her up, to strengthen her and help her overcome her own demons, eventually found myself under her attack as well. How dare I critique her in any way…how dare I critique her in her rudeness and selfishness in regards to myself…how dare I ask her questions about anything…how dare I even have my own demons of warranted anxiety and frustration related to divorce and the crippling of an economic depression…how dare I subject her to such issues. How vile of me.
And I wanted to believe their words,
And I wanted to believe they actually had my back,
And instead, I found their words empty,
And I found my back uncovered and scarred.