Try to understand. I know it’s hard for you, but pretend you are me. This whole thing had been a shock. Wouldn’t you feel somehow negated? Was it me she loved, or something about me that was all too familiar to her? Has she intuited it the first day of class when I was writing my name on the blackboard and the chalk broke in my hand and I knocked my books off the lectern? She has picked up everything and smiled with understanding. Grown in this endless sun, amid these awful flowers, her parents, face it, freaks of nature, she’d been nurtured to the weird, the unnatural. It was what she knew, her normal social reality. So who would she find for herself, whom would she be morbidly attracted to, but someone as adorable as a freakishly depressive cognitive scientist klutz, whom she was soon enough comforting after the nihilistic despair of his lectures?
I hear self-loathing.
Another version of your unworthiness as the lover of this girl. First their was Andrew the anachronism on the football campus, and now the opposite, the all too appropriate freak fitting right in.
E.L. Doctorow 2014
Cribb Comment: I have noted a similar response, more than once, when a woman I have been dating or pursuing moved from an initial false perception of interaction directly into a second contradictory perception of interaction. The first, my proclaimed interest in her being somehow questionable, because of either her intellect (compared to mind) or my supposed fascination with other women or my inability to create and support a false and delusional relational bond prematurely without an appropriate foundation. The second, transforming into too much interest on my behalf. The primary expression for this second perception was “too much interest in physical affection or sex”, suggesting I was not really interested in their worth in any other respect. Too much contentment in “just being alone together, enjoying life, and not running around all the time like chickens with our heads cut off” also got turned into my being “controlling or boring or antisocial.”