In some of my previous relationships, I was a controlling, destabilizing, neurotic asshole. That doesn’t mean that I did not also bring much devotion, effort, empathy, and genuine compassion to those relationships, but that ultimately, due to my insecurity or dependence on someone different than who I truly needed, I would destabilize myself and the person I was with, unconsciously at the time, to re-initiate the “cycle”.
I am not referring to any relationships over the last few years and this is not an apology or an attempt at sympathy or forgiveness in that regard. I am an imperfect being and I stumble from time to time with the demons that possess me, but I am a very different creature than I used to in younger years, and I ended my dependence, my fear, my need to destabilize…..the need for my “cycle” to reset about 3 years ago.
Since then, I have dated many women. What is interesting to note, and it is just a note like my comments about myself, not an indictment or a critique or a slight in any way, is that even as I have stopped providing my partners with the excuse of my bad/destabilizing behavior to initiate their own cycle or madness within the relationship, they still initiate it on their own. In other words, even when I don’t provide a viable impetus for their counter destabilizing behavior, they create or manufacture an imaginary slight or “interpretation” to ruin or upset their perhaps unsettling feeling of true terrifying stability. I propose that this stability is so alien in nature to most, that it produces a schism in their psyche, suggesting it truly indicates apathy or silent revulsion and judgement. I think this very sad for it is damn near impossible to explain to another.
Like my younger self, we do not usually see the madness and fear that we have accepted as normal and even as a necessary component in a relationship to indicate “love”. At one time, as taught by my mother, I did believe that if you loved someone, that you must intermittently become enraged and volatile in argument and behavior with them. I now know that such is simply an expression of fear and the utter opposite of love. Love should be passionate and vibrant, but it should not involve the energy of madness and destabilization even if such is how the majority of humanity chooses to relate with one another. Love is the ending of the cycle, not it’s perpetual recreation in infinite stagnation.