Music flowed into the dreams of her unconsciousness even as those dreams seemed to slip away from almost everything else. Was she singing the music to herself, performing the covers with the fused elements of her own injected intimacy, or was someone else singing the crazy ass lullaby? Someone nearby, but outside of her stuporous slumberworld. She couldn’t tell. The lyrics poured into and out of her mind, one way or the other. They flowed sometimes distinctly separate, sometimes obviously overlapping, and sometimes they choked and spat at and strangled one another, each trying to drown out the other voices, until only they remained.
And I don’t want you and I don’t need you
Don’t bother to resist, or I’ll beat you
It’s not your fault that you’re always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong
The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It’s all relative to the size of your steeple
You can’t see the forest for the trees
You can’t smell you own shit on your knees
There’s no time to discriminate
Hate every mother fucker
That’s in your way
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me…..I broke apart my insides,
help me…..I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me…..the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so ficking special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
It’s a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
You think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won’t be free
Society, you’re a crazy breed
I hope you’re not lonely without me
Hey you, what do you see?
Something beautiful, something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
If you live with the apes man, it’s hard to be clean
The worms will live in every host
It’s hard to pick which one they eat the most
What have I become My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away In the end
And you could have it all My empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Help me tear down my reason, help me it’s your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
I don’t care if it hurts I wanna have control
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice When I’m not around
You’re so fucking special I wish I was special
But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
When you want more than you have You think you need And when you think more than you want Your thoughts begin to bleed I think I need to find a bigger place ‘Cause when you have more than you think You need more space Society, you’re a crazy breed I hope you’re not lonely without me Society, crazy indeed I hope you’re not lonely without me
The horrible people, the horrible people It’s as anatomic as the size of your steeple Capitalism has made it this way, Old fashioned fascism will take it away
I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar’s chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt
I want to fuck you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to fuck you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to god She’s running out the door She’s running out She run run run… Run… Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You’re so fucking special I wish I were special But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here I don’t belonghere There’s those thinking more or less, less is more But if less is more how’re you keeping score?Means for everypoint youmake yourleveldrops Kindalike you’re startingfrom thetop, youcan’t do thatSociety,you’re acrazybreed Ihopeyou’renotlonely withoutmeSociety, crazyindeedIhopeyou’renotlonelywithoutme There’s notimeto discriminateHateevery motherfuckerThat’sin yourway ThebeautifulpeoplethebeautifulpeopleThebeautifulpeoplethebeautifulpeopleIfIcouldstartagainAmillion
milesaway IwouldkeepmyselfIwouldfindawayHelp meIbrokeapartmyinsideshelpmeI’vegotnosoultosellHelp metheonlythingthatworksformehelpmegetawyafrom myselfI’maCreepI’maCreepI’maweirdoweirdoweirdoweirdoIdon’tcareifithurtsSocietyhavemercyonme
Ihopeyou’renot angryifIdisagreeSocietycrazyindeedIhopeyou’renotlonelywithoutme…withoutme…withoutme…IwillletyoudownI willmakeyouhurt…youcanhavemyisolationyoucanhavethehatethatitbringsyoucanhavemyabscenceoffaithyoucanhavemy everything…My whole existence is flawed…My whole existence is flawed…..My whole existence is flawed…..You can have my isolation…isolation…isolation, you can have the hate…hate…..hate…hate that it brings…….I don’t care…..care…care if it hurts…I don’t belong here……belong…belong…..belong here. I don’t belong here……….hope you’re not lonely without me…without me…..without me…I want you to notice..notice……notice… When I’m not around…
A new question, a flickering question came and went in such a manner that it hardly registered at all; had she stumbled and hit her head? Nothing….none of her senses seemed to be registering or functioning beyond whatever was absolutely necessary to grasp the tiniest fleeting glimpses of consciousness or perhaps, delirium. Was her consciousness sloppily crawling on its knees trying to find a point of traction so that it might rise up just a little and attempt a vertiginous step or leap or stance? Or was it diving and digging and drowning, trying to smoother and submerge itself in some form of the obliterating intoxication of incomprehension and an anesthetized awareness? She wasn’t even sure of her own breath. Should she even remotely try to care or to focus…..or just let it all go…and fall, and fall, and fall, until she could fall no further? Would any effort either way carry even the slightest weight or influence? It didn’t seem like it, not at all….it only seemed like something unpreventable and destined was just going to happen…..something was going to continue to happen…something was going to continue happening to her, and it was all beyond her control……and all she could do was experience whatever it was without any reliable sensation or faculty……..or resistance. She might remember whatever it was one day or she might not, but right now, there was such a deadened detachment that nothing mattered. She just wasn’t here. She didn’t really know what that exactly meant or where the fuck she might actually be. She just knew she wasn’t here and that that was her only known. She could care less than less about the rest, about the here. She wasn’t part of it. But then, why the damn ceaseless, half-baked thoughts?
These silly random thoughts and trickles of consciousness which faded in and out, dizzying and disturbing even her surrendering compliance with involuntary inevitability, were irrelevant and inconsequential to everything. It made no sense. No damn sense. No action or outcome could be generated or achieved from her mind’s narcoleptic rambling….none. None. None. So why? Why?…..Why? …..just stop. Please just fucking stop. I… want it to stop. Please…please…please, just stop it. Stop it…all. Why? Why? Why…..the useless thoughts? No more. No more…I don’t care…..I don’t care…just stop the thoughts…shut up…shut up…stop the stupid fucking thoughts. Please, for god’s sake, please…..stop. No more. No more. No more.
And then, the thoughts stopped.
To be continued…..