Inevitable Extractions of Certain Selfs and the Occasional Crazy Ass Dream of Awakening – 1

Music flowed into the dreams of her unconsciousness even as those dreams seemed to slip away from almost everything else. Was she singing the music to herself, performing the covers with the fused elements of her own injected intimacy, or was someone else singing the crazy ass lullaby? Someone nearby, but outside of her stuporous slumberworld. She couldn’t tell. The lyrics poured into and out of her mind, one way or the other. They flowed sometimes distinctly separate, sometimes obviously overlapping, and sometimes they choked and spat at and strangled one another, each trying to drown out the other voices, until only they remained.

And I don’t want you and I don’t need you

Don’t bother to resist, or I’ll beat you

It’s not your fault that you’re always wrong

The weak ones are there to justify the strong

The beautiful people, the beautiful people

It’s all relative to the size of your steeple

You can’t see the forest for the trees

You can’t smell you own shit on your knees

There’s no time to discriminate

Hate every mother fucker

That’s in your way

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you

Help me…..I broke apart my insides,

help me…..I’ve got no soul to sell

Help me…..the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal

I want to feel you from the inside

I want to fuck you like an animal

My whole existence is flawed

You get me closer to god

When you were here before

Couldn’t look you in the eye

You’re just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You’re so ficking special

But I’m a creep

I’m a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here

It’s a mystery to me

We have a greed with which we have agreed

You think you have to want more than you need

Until you have it all you won’t be free

Society, you’re a crazy breed

I hope you’re not lonely without me

Hey you, what do you see?

Something beautiful, something free?

Hey you, are you trying to be mean?

If you live with the apes man, it’s hard to be clean

The worms will live in every host

It’s hard to pick which one they eat the most

What have I become     My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away     In the end

And you could have it all     My empire of dirt

I will let you down     I will make you hurt

You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings

You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything

Help me tear down my reason, help me it’s your sex I can smell

Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else

I don’t care if it hurts     I wanna have control

I want a perfect body     I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice     When I’m not around

You’re so fucking special     I wish I was special

But I’m a creep     I’m a weirdo     What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here

When you want more than you have     You think you need     And when you think more than you want     Your thoughts begin to bleed     I think I need to find a bigger place     ‘Cause when you have more than you think     You need more space     Society, you’re a crazy breed     I hope you’re not lonely without me     Society, crazy indeed     I hope you’re not lonely without me

 The horrible people, the horrible people   It’s as anatomic as the size of your steeple     Capitalism has made it this way, Old fashioned fascism will take it away

I wear this crown of thorns   Upon my liar’s chair   Full of broken thoughts   I cannot repair   Beneath the stains of time  The feelings disappear  You are someone else  I am still right here  What have I become  My sweetest friend  Everyone I know goes away In the end  And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt

I want to fuck you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to fuck you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to god  She’s running out the door She’s running out She run run run… Run… Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You’re so fucking special I wish I were special But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here I don’t belonghere  There’s those thinking more or less, less is more But if less is more how’re you keeping score?Means for everypoint youmake yourleveldrops Kindalike you’re startingfrom thetop, youcan’t do thatSociety,you’re acrazybreed Ihopeyou’renotlonely withoutmeSociety, crazyindeedIhopeyou’renotlonelywithoutme There’s notimeto discriminateHateevery motherfuckerThat’sin yourway ThebeautifulpeoplethebeautifulpeopleThebeautifulpeoplethebeautifulpeopleIfIcouldstartagainAmillion
milesaway IwouldkeepmyselfIwouldfindawayHelp meIbrokeapartmyinsideshelpmeI’vegotnosoultosellHelp metheonlythingthatworksformehelpmegetawyafrom myselfI’maCreepI’maCreepI’maweirdoweirdoweirdoweirdoIdon’tcareifithurtsSocietyhavemercyonme
Ihopeyou’renot angryifIdisagreeSocietycrazyindeedIhopeyou’renotlonelywithoutme…withoutme…withoutme…IwillletyoudownI willmakeyouhurt…youcanhavemyisolationyoucanhavethehatethatitbringsyoucanhavemyabscenceoffaithyoucanhavemy everything…My whole existence is flawed…My whole existence is flawed…..My whole existence is flawed…..You can have my isolation…isolation…isolation, you can have the hate…hate…..hate…hate that it brings…….I don’t care…..care…care if it hurts…I don’t belong here……belong…belong…..belong here. I don’t belong here……….hope you’re not lonely without me…without me…..without me…I want you to notice..notice……notice… When I’m not around…

A new question, a flickering question came and went in such a manner that it hardly registered at all; had she stumbled and hit her head? Nothing….none of her senses seemed to be registering or functioning beyond whatever was absolutely necessary to grasp the tiniest fleeting glimpses of consciousness or perhaps, delirium. Was her consciousness sloppily crawling on its knees trying to find a point of traction so that it might rise up just a little and attempt a vertiginous step or leap or stance? Or was it diving and digging and drowning, trying to smoother and submerge itself in some form of the obliterating intoxication of incomprehension and an anesthetized awareness? She wasn’t even sure of her own breath. Should she even remotely try to care or to focus…..or just let it all go…and fall, and fall, and fall, until she could fall no further? Would any effort either way carry even the slightest weight or influence? It didn’t seem like it, not at all….it only seemed like something unpreventable and destined was just going to happen…..something was going to continue to happen…something was going to continue happening to her, and it was all beyond her control……and all she could do was experience whatever it was without any reliable sensation or faculty……..or resistance. She might remember whatever it was one day or she might not, but right now, there was such a deadened detachment that nothing mattered. She just wasn’t here. She didn’t really know what that exactly meant or where the fuck she might actually be. She just knew she wasn’t here and that that was her only known. She could care less than less about the rest, about the here. She wasn’t part of it. But then, why the damn ceaseless, half-baked thoughts?

These silly random thoughts and trickles of consciousness which faded in and out, dizzying and disturbing even her surrendering compliance with involuntary inevitability, were irrelevant and inconsequential to everything. It made no sense. No damn sense. No action or outcome could be generated or achieved from her mind’s narcoleptic rambling….none. None. None. So why? Why?…..Why? …..just stop. Please just fucking stop. I… want it to stop. Please…please…please, just stop it. Stop it…all. Why? Why? Why…..the useless thoughts? No more. No more…I don’t care…..I don’t care…just stop the thoughts…shut up…shut up…stop the stupid fucking thoughts. Please, for god’s sake, please…..stop. No more. No more. No more.

And then, the thoughts stopped.

To be continued…..

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