When one partner again and again undermines the efforts of the other, stepping away from our unconscious sexual aspects becomes a near impossibility. Without a mutual willingness it will be very difficult to explore new terrain.
From the start, there must be an attitude of vulnerability. We must remember that there are absolutely no rules about how to make love. Through awareness we are able to discover and learn, teach ourselves, but rules are imposed on us and sooner or later imply rebellion. It is the undermining tendency of the mind to make ideas fixed and rigid, especially when we feel insecure about not knowing what may happen next. If you have to do something it is not the same as discovering its value through experimentation. “That really works for me,” is different from “I must.” It is very easy for a woman to become rule-oriented because she is usually the less demonstrative partner physically, so less doing is easier initially. I have seen all too often a woman imposing rules and literally pointing an angry accusing finger at her lover, rather than exposing her own vulnerability in the situation. The man, feeling chastised and with his ego threatened, will react by rebelling or withdrawing his cooperation.
The Heart of Tantric Sex
Diana Richardson 2003