Tantra returns us from sexuality to sex. Today we experience our sexuality rather than the true force of sex, because the mind has become an integral part of the sex act. To return to the innocent and natural state of sex we have to start by switching off or disassociating from the thinking part within.
Perhaps the biggest distraction in sex today is the incredible ability of the mind to fantasize. Indeed, sexual fantasy has become the driving force of many people’s sex lives. Often in lovemaking we get involved in sexual fantasy, not conscious of what is happening in the present. Our attention is not on this partner here and now, but on creating an imagined one or an imaginary situation. Thus we are not really experiencing the truth of the body. Instead the mind is using fantasy to drive or motivate the body. Sexual fantasy can be habitual, as if we are repeating the same program again and again.
Almost every one of us I am sure has used a sexual image, either real or imagined, to help us get excited and maintain an interest in the sex act. Mostly we use sexual fantasy to urge us toward orgasm because the imagination helps us to reach the peak. It works incredibly well! The mind must be proclaimed as a powerful tool to produce such effective, even immediate results.
But sexual fantasy is, nonetheless, a great diversion as it pulls us away from reality and the person we are making love with right now.
The Heart of Tantric Sex
Diana Richardson 2003
A number of women have shared stories with me about their previous relationships in which their ex-husbands or ex-lovers chronically failed to engage them in direct and specific personal sexual desire, activity, and intimacy. In general, these women have described their ex-s as being obsessed with porn of some form and often being much more interested and content in being isolated or secluded away with their porn than remaining in the presence of their enticingly nude, provocatively erotic, and shall we say eager to get “proper fucked”, partner. I have heard stories of men locking themselves away in their “off-limit” office for hours of isolation, tales of men being unable to become engorged or obtain erection, or even continue in the act of sex without the absolute presence of porn, and accounts of men simply appearing completely disinterested in the lascivious propositions, some extremely titillating, of sex from the very attractive women sitting in their immediate presence.
I have noted similar behavior in females as well. One, who wanted porn put up on a screen before even initiating any type of sexual play. Another, who just seemed to want sex anywhere…all the time…whether I was comfortable or not, or enjoying myself or not, or most probably, actually there or not….as long as she was getting stimulated and diddled in some form or fashion. A few, who had to be in absolute “rigid and don’t deviate from their idea of what needs to happen and how it has to specifically go down” control while still suffering from difficulty to orgasm in association with stimulation delivered from another warm body. A small number, obsessed with birth control…as in having to use multiple types to assure no chance what-so-fucking-minutely-ever of them getting “trapped” by pregnancy. One or two, almost afraid to move or act in any manner without being positioned or directed by myself…essentially like me having to script out the entire dance all on my own. Many, with artificial reasons and time frames to “delay” or “reschedule and control at their whim” when sex “could go down properly or with the appropriate timing or setting or after the elapsed pre-period of their chosen abstinence” in the damned future of supreme distraction. Most, who refused to openly communicate about sex….and the wants and desires and needs and feelings of both engaged parties. Most, who have had extreme difficulty looking directly into my eyes during the act. And perhaps, an unknown number addicted to and most comfortable with their relationship with their vibrator….which allows them to escape vulnerability in the real world, escape damnation from God’s eternal paradise, avoid judgement from their children or peers or family, avoid losing control of their own desires and the other dynamics which erupt in a direct physical union, and create and maintain their own comfortable egocentric isolated unchallenged universe of stagnant spiritual growth.
In either of the general or specific cases or scenarios illustrated above, whether the behavior is displayed by a male or a female, it can be argued that it is all just about personal desire….personal choice. While I fully accept the premise that personal desire/choice for all should retain autonomy from judgement from anyone, I believe this dynamic looses healthy, nurturing, and unifying credibility when the primary focus becomes a fantasy…a fantasy to specifically perpetually obliterate the actual truth of the bodies yearning in the present…or when the desire/choice, however packaged and proclaimed, creates more isolation, division, and withdrawal from the potential corrective natural order of bonding with another physical entity in horizontal or upward transcendence.
When any fantasy or the perpetual cycle and repetition of any fantasy pulls you out of the present, reinforces your isolation from others, and bastardizes or rewrites a natural order desire or action into something synthetic and artificial, I believe it must be scrutinized with the utmost caution and introspection, for these are the principles of non-life and thus the principles of madness. Sexual fantasy is not immune to these principles.