When I was in the last stage of working through my dilemma of “selfish” natural order guilt versus “devout” religious sadomasochism torture, I was working as a kennel assistant in my first job ever as an employee at a veterinary hospital. I was bathing, walking, feeding, sweeping, mopping, washing, and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning up, lots and lots and lots of dog shit. But I knew I was in a special place…I just knew it. You could feel the energy. Regardless of the normal strife in a working environment, regardless of having to clean all the time, regardless of whatever bullshit came across the radar screen, I was working in a hospital with doctors who were healers and those healers, may have been doing a job, but they were also healing and fixing and mending and advising and consoling and not just talking, but acting…acting to always try and make things better. It seemed like a family to me and that feeling came to me almost instantly in that environment. The doctors had my respect and it was damn good feeling to be able to bestow my respect upon them without any effort whatsoever…..it was natural and it was deserved.
After some period of time on the job, probably six to twelve to maybe even eighteen months, after I had melded into that misfit family of special souls who had come together somehow under that roof, I found myself having discussions with the owner of the hospital and another veterinarian on staff about damn near everything…….and damn near everything always, always, always leads to the topic of sex. I am sure they read my personality and all of the assumptions attached to that reading much better than I realized at the time and I am pretty confident that they both liked me fairly well as an employee and as a person. While my sexual experiences were limited and any mention of such to anyone was kept hush hush by me, my gift of gab and inquisitive nature about everything else was, shall we say, well developed. Thus, the initial topic was probably breeched by them to give me a little friendly jab or shit in a playful manner. Well that did the trick and before I knew it, banter would intermittently fly back and forth between Dr. McKenzie and myself, him usually stating in some creative form that I was “gonna go blind if I didn’t start having sex regularly with my girlfriend” or Dr. Russell, looking perplexed as hell at me while sporting a broad goofy ass grin, just saying “Why would you wait Jeff? Why? I just don’t understand…I just don’t understand.”
It was at this time that I finally severed my dedication and commitment to the Christian faith for the reasons I have expressed above……so now, smiley face, smiley face, smiley face …..woooooo hoooooo…..I became very excited about the potential of having sex with my girlfriend. But, I was still a little nervous and suffering from fear of the unknown. When you are plagued by fear, it is always easier to keep doing what you have been doing….what is familiar to you, than to change, even if that change will bring you greater joy, happiness, pleasure, peace……..or even entrance into the realm of the sweetest Sugar-walls.
Dr. McKenzie and Dr. Russell, intentionally or otherwise, had created stability in my life…it seemed to me that they really respected me, and their friendly jokes had gently and delicately delivered a very important message to my psyche. The message was “lighten up Jeff…you are taking it all way too serious…we know you are trying to be honorable and noble and respectable…but do the math…listen to common sense…look at what your body and mother nature is telling you dude…lighten the fuck up buddy…..we totally get it…but you have to figure it out yourself…. you really, really need to get laid…it isn’t evil or dishonorable…..it is so, so normal and you should be enjoying your youth having lots and lots of sex…that is what you are supposed to do. “
And it was truly because of my respect for those two veterinarians and their approach towards my situation, which had made me laugh so much, lightening the load of my fear without any judgment or condescension that made me decide it was time, actually way past the fucking time, to remove my chastity belt. I still remember the two of them sitting or walking in or around or through the treatment room while I asked silly questions in preparation for the bedding ceremony. Dr. Russell even drew an anatomical picture on the dry eraser board of the vulva and labia, etc, etc, complete with a clitoris, to explain to me how important that little knob of flesh would be in my attempts to provide maximum pleasure to my girlfriend…..and thus, reciprocating karma sexual pleasure for myself. He certainly did not lie about that point.
I experienced sexual penetration for the first time ever at the age of twenty-one while I lay on my own bed with my first serious girlfriend. We had been dating for about four years. I wore a condom… twice…though both episodes were admittedly shorter than I would have preferred. It was a weeknight and my parents were actually home when we did the deeds. In between the first penetration and the second, we had actually left my room and had gone to sit in the family room to try and watch TV…..we both sat there for a few minutes before looking at each obviously distracted other, and then carefully raced back to my room and the closed door, to enjoy the second penetration. The escapades were very pleasurable….sensual….tender….warm….and full of honest desire, yearning, and respect. I will never forget the beauty and peace and union of that moment…it was overwhelming conformation of natural order being so relevant and proper and important to existence…it was overwhelming conformation to be very, very careful in the future of things, theories, dogmas, peoples, and philosophies that turned natural order upside down on its head to deconstruct your existence, so you can be destabilized and kept off kilter, because though it will drive you mad, it makes you so much easier to manipulate and control.
That was my first first time.
To be continued…