At some point prior to actual penetration, I did institute some sexual behavior with my girlfriend because of my want, need, and desire. The trick for what seemed like an eternity to me was trying to be as sexual as possible without actually being sexual…without crossing that imaginary line that would char me with hell-fire and brimstone, and lock me away forever in the dirty sexual deviant dungeon of hell. So, the desires and forces of pubertal curiosity, lascivious exploration, and hormonal thirst invaded my mind like a virus…entering every cell, trying to rewrite the RNA, so two obvious contradictions could co-exist in my mind at the same time, just like they often did with everyone else…like everyone else except I may have been slightly more clever or more calculating about trying to fool my damn self…..and again, all of this was to achieve the ultimate goal of simply being able to drown in the suffocating pleasure of sex with a beautiful fucking girl while still remaining a reputable “Onward Christian Soldier.” One touch here, one touch there, one kiss here…one lick there…..skin on skin can’t be a problem, right? Kissing certainly does not emulate fucking, right? I mean we aren’t really just fucking with our mouths and thinking how good our gonads might fit together to do the same thing….the same thing, but with both of our whole bodies entering into the twirling, slipping, and sliding dance together…..both of our bodies kissing and consuming one another just like our lips and tongues have been obsessively and compulsively focused upon since that very first uber-respectful and so so so polite kiss. Closer….and closer….and closer with a caress or a touch or a massage until an……accidental…..accidental and definitely unintended, feather-stroke of the genitals just happens to occur…a mere whisper or breeze of the finger tips…and then, my god…..oh my god…..I can’t fucking help myself…I can’t stop….over-powering, blinding…..a possessing need and desire to touch more….rub more….feel more. Yeah, I played elaborate games of deception myself. Maybe I didn’t fuck my girlfriend, but I certainly tried to push the damn limit as much as anyone. Fear was the only gate keeper strong enough to prevent me from “diving in deep” if you know what I mean. Somehow, even I had convinced myself that I could kiss-fuck, grind, dry hump, pet without and within as long as it was only done with my fingers or tongue, and even simulate sex by rubbing my penis on her labia very, very carefully…as long as I did not slip and fall into those sugar-walls. Penetration into those Sugar-walls equaled damnation and the intolerable guilt of Godly judgment…..rubbing, touching, licking, and even gliding on the outer aspect of those very same sugar-walls equaled heaven, such heaven for my quivering body….laughing out fucking loud…but so damn true.
My body and the natural order of existence were trying to help my psyche out…actually trying to help stabilize my essence and nurture my soul, but fear…..to be specific, the fear of God, that loving omnipotent figure of fucked-up-beyond-recognition love, was driving me insane. He supposedly created me with this fucking appetite and hunger to unite physically in union with another soul….created me to be that way….didn’t even give me the choice….created me with a intermittent, but very frequent, involuntary raging hard-on and hormones that made me damn near blind with desire, but…..but…..but, out of God’s love, out of his infinite wisdom, mercy and grace, I was suppose to deny those very same instincts that that sick, sick bastard had hardwired into my eternal soul. What a fucking sadomasochist…….this God that I was trying to follow and honor and love with all of my heart and effort, was perpetually torturing my ass with the lustful sin and the associated guilt that he had made damn sure to package within my mortal frame. This unsolvable crux, this irrational dilemma, this image of “Our Father who art in heaven” finally severed my ties with Christianity forevermore. Whatever excuse….whatever type of warped explanation someone else might proffer, whatever else is supposedly to blame, I finally came to see these contradictions in the only way that I could possibly see them; full of madness, insanity, and cruelty; patterns and rationale in the utmost, obvious, and direct contrast and violation of simple natural order. Such a thing, whatever it is, theory, philosophy, advice, religion, or mandate, cannot be consistent with a healthy existence, balance, or state of peace. It simply cannot be allowed to poison and torment your soul.
To be continued…