My First Two Times – 2

I went through what I would term a devout period of Christianity, the Southern Baptist version, from about the middle of high school until my first year of undergrad. The impetus for such revolved around my inherent sense and appreciation of the golden rule coupled easily with the goal of winning and maintaining the favor of my girlfriend. This girlfriend happened to be the daughter of a church Deacon. Now, the point of my undoing….the stakes if you will of my crux…..the thorns of my crown; I could not be a hypocrite like all of those who surrounded me. While my mind tried to process the words of Christ and the scripture also present in the Old Testament, the relevance of grace and sin, and the profound empathy and unselfishness embodied in the true application of golden rule………as I actually read the Bible…as I actually listened to the sermon….as I actually highlighted page after page after page and spent time outside of the church contemplating the Word, it became obvious to me that ninety-five percent of the Christians I knew, which was also almost everyone I knew at that time, were willful….willful….willful sinners and hypocrites through and through. Their actions and behavior was not “a mistake” when they sinned or went against the laws of God. Either they were not listening or reading or praying or caring enough to get the message in the first place from God, Jesus, the Bible, the Preacher, or the sermons, which is a willful sin, whether intentional or apathetic in nature, or they heard it all….or let’s just say most of it to be more accurate….and then chose to conveniently “forget the golden rule or the Ten Commandments or the damn actual words of Christ” in application when they decided they wanted to lie or get drunk or fuck someone or do drugs or cheat on a school test or whatever. How can you call yourself a Christian….how, how, how and then “forget” the words of Christ? You can’t….you simply can’t. You don’t get to flip the light switch on and off at will and then winky-winky to God and make everything all better. And if you are not legally retarded or mentally compromised in a serious form or fashion, you cannot call or label yourself something (Christian) and then willfully not abide by the actual definition (following scripture, the Bible, the words of Jesus, and being saved) of that something and then pretend you did not know any better or that you could not help yourself…you just can’t.  It is the most basic and utterly obvious form of pure delusion and hypocrisy.

So, while the overwhelming majority of my friends or acquaintances easily, happily, and contentedly “said” I love God one moment and fuck God the next…his rules are stupid and they mean nothing to me….well at least until next Sunday, when I can feign that “I am just not strong enough to follow his word……I mean we are born into a world of sin after all….that ain’t my fault…..I’m just a helpless victim here” and then sing Jesus Loves Me, this I Know followed by Amazing Grace with the utmost conviction, I could not. So these acquaintances could dabble in both of these opposite worlds, supposedly loving Jesus one moment and then fucking a few cheerleaders on a Friday and Saturday night, to balance everything out… their hormonal cravings and moral image of the self that is….and of course it worked for all of them in the short-term in many ways. Their approach, while ultimately devastating to true spiritual growth and fortitude of character by their self-indoctrination of a life philosophy and approach to all of existence with total hypocrisy and delusion, provided in the short-term an opportunity or outlet for their normal and natural sexual urges and desires. They lived a lie….their words meant nothing…just like most people’s words mean nothing today, but underneath all of the verbal lies, their inherent visceral behavioral won out and was able to express itself as was needed. Their minds were not strong enough or aware enough to consciously acknowledge the disconnect between their words and their actions.

I was tormented. Attempting to not just speak the words of a Christian….to not just pretend to be a Christian, but to actually be a Christian and live continuously as a Christian while I managed a perpetual raging hard-on and involuntary secondary sex gland secretions (covered most often with the largest text-book that I possessed at the time) in the immersion of high school cheerleaders with their shorty short skirts, cute nerdy shy AP glass wearing pig tailed swirlers of writing implements who swirled in a cadence that also matched the flow of their nervous hips, and the mature maternal figures of the well developed and so knowledgeable teachers….who one must expect through fantasy to know all of the secrets of love-making, and have such desire to teach those lessons as much or more than any of their regular subjects to a willing and eager student like myself.

To be continued…

Cribb          2014

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