He held her…..held her arms…partially extended…above her head and cradled into the mattress. Not harshly…not in some demeaning or brutish way…but in a manner of responsive…transient… compassionate control…..it was tension, but the same tension as that found in the hands of an expert surgeon who is capable of the most precise, delicate, and meticulous dissection; hands possessing a hyper-awareness that melded their own flesh with the tissue of that with which they operated upon…to evaluate…to preserve…..to heal…to strengthen…..to remove any diseased elements and then be able to skillfully close that dead space and put everything else back together again…..and then….then…to release. He allowed her arms some slight movement but that liberty was very minimal and his hands slowly slid back and forth from gently pinning her to the bed by her elbows to eagerly seeking smooth yet firm interwoven purchase within her fingers and the moist padded warmth of her palms. His hips and legs pinned the lower half of her consenting body…..that was an easy yield to gain, but that would not be enough…..that was never enough.
It was Halloween and I was not a church going man in any shape, form or fashion, but she asked me to go with her and her family, so I met them in the parking lot. I picked her young son up who wore a costume of some flying alien or robot or super hero and up up and away we went. I flew him around the parking lot until my arms could not bear the weight anymore. He was giggling and laughing the whole time.
She said “My parents were going through a divorce and my dad was always very busy anyway, so he would drop me and my brother off at the neighbors. My brother would end up going off somewhere and I would end up alone with their teenage son…somehow. He started touching me and then convinced me that I should never tell anyone. No one else ever figured that out before. I still don’t think my father or brother even knows.”
We were sitting on her bed talking about all of life…feelings…thoughts…..dreams…and I already knew then that I loved her…..knew that I never wanted to be separated from her again despite whatever…whatever……. I loved her more than anything. So without a plan, without a production, without dropping to a knee, without even a fucking ring, I turned to her and said if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you, “Will you marry me?”
She told me “We had sex…it was my first time…my first time and his too…and it was supposed to be beautiful and amazing and full of………… it was horrible…horrible…horrible.” And then she stopped listening to me…because then it all had to be a trick.
And I jumped up and down on a trampoline with her daughter until I thought I might collapse from exhaustion…..laughing and giggling and bouncing who the hell knows where…..and loving a child that I never had as my own…..playing her games, obeying her commands…..as a child myself.
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To be continued…