For Me or For You? – Part 1 Revised (Mature, but read the damn thing, don’t be a prude)

Tenderly and softly, almost at a whisper, I begged “I want you to cum for me…please…..I need it…I really need it…..I need you to cum…I want you to cum so badly…I want to make you cum…..cum for me…cum for me…..cum on me…take me…..take me as yours…mark me…take it from me…..please…please mark me..take it, please…I want you so bad…..so damn bad…so fucking bad….I want to feel you let go…..please let go…take me…take it…..let it go….give it away….give it to me…please…I want you to cum and cum and cum…..and cum for me and never ever stop. Cum for me…cum for me…..please…please…please let it go.”

 

The first time I saw the scars, the hash marks that covered the insides of her arms and her legs, I just wanted to cry for her…and somehow, anyhow, take every ounce of shit and pain and torture she had ever endured and swallow it inside of myself just to get it the fuck away from her. Empathy overwhelmed me so much that my circuits bogged down almost completely…..I couldn’t process such emotion, such ‘why couldn’t I have been there to protect you then?’, ‘such how the fuck, how the fuck could people let you do this to yourself?’ without inconsistencies in my normal posture and speech and thoughts. I don’t really remember that much more about it, but there was some outreach by me…..I think I tried to kiss away all of her scars…over and over…but sooner or later she became embarrassed and she raised her defenses. Instead of allowing herself to see my understanding…instead of seeing how much I was hurting with her…..instead of her perceiving in that moment that I saw her daunting fragility and awareness survive such darkness and pain by a stubborn, though dark, tenacity of incredible self-drive and self-will and self-preservation, she decided to see that I thought she was weaker than me…..she decided that I pitied her…..and then that smoldering dark demon of her survival turned on me. It slept for a while and gained what hate it could along the way and after a few minor battles over a few months, it finally finished me off as it ate my heart.

I love you Super Nerd Girl………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was a New Year’s party with her friends that I had not met yet, and I had been excited to go and meet them. When we walked through the front door, she was gone…gone. Gone like in a single bar…like chase me if you will…but don’t cramp my style or hang on my arm too much gone. She was moving through the crowd hugging both men and women, and I let her go. I did not begrudge her her freedom or her contact with her friends. But, I like contact too. I like people I get an aura from as well…people that have a certain kindred spirit glow about them…and those people are usually women. So, I approached one of her female friends that possessed such an enticing glow and began to engage with her as I would have my absentee date. I did not try to control or dominate my date…I did not cramp her style or chase after her like some lost puppy. Eventually, my new acquaintance, the friend of my date, invited me to examine one of her dogs. I agreed and we disappeared behind a closed door to where the dogs were being kept. The conversation was good and I got to display my knowledge and expertise a little, propping up my ego, but that was where it stopped. There was no hanky-panky, but my date who had been allowed to roam freely, eventually blew a gasket because “I had left her” and “gone behind a closed door with her friend”.                         

……………………….I Queen of the Angry Birds you………………………………………………………………………………………… 

I was sitting at what I call the dunce table and she walked into the pizza joint to pick up a few slices to go. She was wearing an old school Star Wars T-shirt, a black skirt, long black socks, and black Converse sneakers. She said “Do you mind if I sit with you for a minute?” and I said “No, not at all. Please join me.” Her quick assessment of my books, pads of paper, and eccentric lone wolf appearance went where it normally goes. Small talk…then somehow to people and being yourself…..her saying, in a very tender and compassionate way, that she is sad for gay people that can’t be themselves. And I started laughing. I said “Sometimes, I wish I were gay. It would probably make my life much, much easier.” She was a little tipsy and her voice, the higher, yet still soft pitch of a young girl. Her smile was bashful, but genuine and very cute. It hid at times, but wanted to come out and play. The cycle of her words still plays in my mind. “You’re gonna think I swept in here and then flew outta here and wonder what I was all about…sorry, I know I am just babbling…we don’t say stupid, dumb, or fat in my house…I have my kids most of the time…I haven’t been able to afford insurance for like five years…everyone in my subdivision is getting boobs and liposuction…and I am just me…not perfect…just me.”

…………………………………………………I banana chocolate chip you……………………………………………………………………

I stood alone with her in the middle of the Cohutta Wilderness area after we had climbed a 1,830 foot mountain slope together to reach our campsite and the adjacent trickling rocky creek and waterfall that also served as the most astounding overlook within the heart of that area. The tent had been placed as levelly as possible in a decent spot and we had been walking around collecting firewood for a little while, attempting to outpace the dusk that was slowly creeping down upon the land, when she started screaming. My first thought was to run to her for whatever reason…run hard, fast, true…..get to her….get to her ASAP, but then, after the briefest moment, I realized she wasn’t in danger and she wasn’t just screaming…..she was fucking screaming at me…..she was screaming at me over and over and over, accusing me of wanting to fuck her best friend. Truth lost its hold on her in the middle of that paradise…..it was too slow, too perfect…..too quiet…..too real. Fear and paranoia would not let her rest with contentment and peace. So, after she pushed me far enough, after I dodged and gave whatever effort seemed appropriate at the time to be sensible with her, I lost control myself and returned fire, putting another regrettable nail in our eventual coffin.

………………………………………………………………………….I Mount Yonah you……………………………………………………….. 

I had driven for five hours to Mississippi to see her. I knew she had two boys that were the priority of her life and I understood that. This trip was a little different because she had arranged to have the boys watched by a sitter for a few hours on Sunday so we could go on a date and just have some alone time that afternoon. The last four or five of my visits had not afforded such time. That morning, the sitter wrecked her car and she was a little traumatized as she returned to the house, but she had not been injured and the two boys behaved as two boys will when boundaries are just empty words. And I couldn’t do it…..I did not have the energy to fill everyone up again at my expense. I needed someone to fill me up. So, I let it play out without entering the equation. As my friend ran around doing this, that, and the other for her kids and the sitter, I dressed for our scheduled date and went to sleep on the sofa. Two or three hours later, I was approached by her younger son, a character unto himself, and he asked me why we had not gone on our date. And I said “I don’t know.” I got up and told my friend I was leaving early to start my five hour drive back to Atlanta. She said something like “I just got busy and didn’t realize how much time had passed” and I said “okay.”                                      

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..You are my Minnie Mouse……

To be continued…

Cribb     2014 

 

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