Note: This was a non-fictional conversation via text.
Me: I can give you energy and not just take it from you. No tricks. No deception. No ploy. I am here to talk to if you want. I am here and asking nothing in return.
The Angel: I know, I just don’t like or want to suck people into my life. I feel like a black hole sometimes.
Me: Suck me into your life as your friend. Don’t you know I feel the same way? Can’t you see that I understand? Don’t you want someone to give to you like you give to them? Doesn’t that seem “right” to you? Fair? Don’t you want to be loved like you love?
The Angel: Yeah I’ll find it eventually. Or maybe I won’t and I’ll realize I’m meant to be alone. Life isn’t fair though, God isn’t fair.
Me: Don’t you want to give and give and give and be given to the same?
The Angel: Yeah, that’s what everyone wants but maybe that’s not what my life was created for.
Me: It is sad that it is so hard to find, but it is what your life was created for! And nothing less. Nothing less. You deserve so much.
The Angel: I understand what you are saying, but I can’t and don’t go around dictating what I think I deserve. I’m not beaming sun every day. I don’t radiate goodness every second. Sometimes I hate life, and I hate myself, and I hate people, and I hate, hate.
Me: Don’t let them fool you.
The Angel: Hate deserves hate. Anger begets anger. And I’m angry.
Me: Sounds pretty fucking normal and real to me. Sounds like an angel or Jesus confessing temptations. Sounds like someone hurting and trying to make the world better. Sounds like someone giving all of their energy out to others, trying to make a difference. Sounds like me.
The Angel: I can only make the world better if I am better, and I’m not better.
Me: Do you have the courage to see yourself through my eyes? Look at yourself, then see what I see.
The Angel: I see what I am and I see too clearly. People think I’m beautiful and nice but I’m just a fucked up as any other person. I hate that people smile when they’re sad. I hate that I smile when all I really want is to throw every chair out of every window. But that’s how people are, and that’s how I am. That’s how we we’re bred as a society… yet we wonder why more people are on happy pills and committing suicide and having sex at age 8. No one talks, no one listens, no one really cares, no one really sees.
Me: You are acknowledging the anger and hate that is inherent in the human condition of someone who is hyperaware.
The Angel: It’s a bunch of blind bumbling idiots fumbling around in the world.
Me: I fucking talk. I fucking care. I see. And so do you…all of it. You are not an idiot, nor am I, and there are others, not many, but there are others. You are not of their world. Do not try to live in their world. It will destroy you. You are not perfect, but so, so, so damn different, so far above them in enlightenment. You will feel alone and isolated and misunderstood as long as you try to comply to their world and rules. You are not of their world. You are not like them even at your worst misery, your worst weakest state. You hate the darkness in yourself and that is enlightenment. You focus on yourself and that is enlightenment. You choose to be better, to try, to give, to spread light… You choose to open your eyes.. That is the difference.
The Angel: Differences isolate.
Me: Fuck I know it hurts….I know.
The Angel: I appreciate what you’re saying, I’m just a black hole right now. I’m so far gone I just want to go to bed. Perhaps tomorrow will be a new day for better beginnings.
Me: Will you listen to something I say platonically? Can you do that? If not, ok.
The Angel: Yes.
Me: I love you…platonically…I love you for who you are. Not your physical beauty. I swear this. Good night sweet soul. Peace and love to you.
The Angel :] thank you for everything.
Me: It is platonic…please accept this. Night.
The Angel: I accept it.
Me: I write to try and help people like you by letting them know they are not alone or near as isolated as they think. I write to connect my light and energy with theirs and yours. You make the world and my world a better place. Thinking of you…
The Angel :]