I am a boy who was once terrified to be separated from his parents, a boy who once thought our family might be locked in department stores inadvertently after their closing, a boy who once stuffed pillows over his head to muffle the all night verbal attacks that my mom bombarded my father with. I am a boy who suffered from extreme insecurity and because of such, I vomited everyday on a school bus for probably a year or more, and my normal desire and attraction to sex became clouded and confused by religious dogma, feelings of possible inadequacy, and a perpetually destructive guilt of sexual desire that is often and pathologically imprinted upon children.
I am a man who chose to open his eyes and see the perpetual cycle of insanity running its crooked course between my parents, and decide that somehow, anyhow, I would break that damn cycle. I am a man who saw and still sees similar cycles of hypocrisy, delusion, dishonesty, and ultimate, infectious self-destructive behavior, applied in extreme prevalence as the glue that supposedly cements most family bonds, the majority of friendships, the employer-employee-customer relationship, governance of any sort, and even most peoples relationships with their pets. I am a man who sees almost everyone everywhere trying to convince themselves and one another that the lie that everyone else is living, and obviously suffering from,
is still “the only way”, still the “best approach”, to an existence that reaches its potential for oneself and for all. I am a man who believes that these cycles can be broken and I am a man who will do anything within his power to aid anyone who attempts to do so.
I am a man who made the high school All-City football team. I am a man who initially thought he would be an English major, so that I could teach the philosophy inherently injected within literature. I am a man who was admitted into the UGA College of Veterinary Medicine, much to the overwhelming surprise of my family, and perhaps many of my limited friends. I am a man who has always been drawn to the untainted, savage beauty of the nude bosom of mother nature. I am a man who skipped many days in veterinary school to white water kayak on the Chattooga River (amongst others) so I could sustain my soul through the process of such “learning”. I am a man who one day decided to build a castle, and who then proclaimed to himself that within his castle and on his grounds, life would be different. I say this knowing that I am far from perfect and that I must battle my own imperfections with priority for all of my remaining existence, but I also say it nonetheless with truth. In these walls, life is different.
I am a dreamer, “but I am not the only one.” I am a veterinarian. I am a naturalist. I am a friend. I am a landscape designer. I am a lover. I am a listener. I am a reader. I am a knight. I am someone crazy enough to believe in it all. I am a brat. I am still a moody person (but so much less than previously). I obsess. I misjudge. I am impatient and I still have a temper (also much improved from my past life). I am an alpha-male. I am a person who knows that everything really should contain at least a smidgen of laughter. I am a tuque lover, and an adult, a child, a geriatric, a hero and a villain, all in one, and I might even be a little bit of a dead man or a ghost, or half angel and half devil, trying to save you one moment, just so I can trick you the next.
And who really knows what all of that means? It could mean everything or it might mean absolutely nothing. Can I even believe my own self-description? Can others believe my words? What is the true relevance of the letters that are joined to form these words that are supposedly accurate in representing and conveying my thoughts to you?
Well, it is my guess that even after I attempted so very diligently to weave together all of those letters and words and postulations in some declaration of profound meaning, the only irrefutable and easy conclusion we might be able to actually agree upon is that now, for better or worse…
I am most definitely a writer.